2014-04-04 / Columnists

Boyleing Points

Knew And Now Know
By Kevin Boyle

One thing I knew already: Spirit Airlines is the worst (if they had their way they’d charge me for writing that). You might not have taken my advice about getting a colonoscopy but please, please avoid the worst company in the country. It’s no wonder why they’ve inspired both a website and a Facebook page called Spirit Airlines Sucks. I knew all along Spirit was terrible but I got another recent reminder as I was forced to fly them last weekend.

One thing I didn’t know, if you want to eat less, use a blue plate.

That’s unrelated to Spirit Airlines which makes you lose your mind and your appetite.

It seems blue just doesn’t excite the hunger games your mind plays. Food makers know about this, that’s why you don’t see too many blue foods. With food coloring, they could make your roast beef blue. But they don’t. Blue drinks don’t even show up all that often. Yeah, yeah, Gatorade and other energy drinks offer blue but it doesn’t sell like the other flavors. Yes, you see blue drinks with umbrellas in bars but then it looks like somebody’s drinking Tidy Bowl. Food and drink people are hip to the aversion. Blue skies, blue eyes, blue ocean, yes. Blue pizza? No.

Another thing I didn’t know and learned while Spirit Airlines’ computers were trying to calculate baggage weight for proper flying balance, was that sitting for more than three hours a day can cut your life expectancy by two years. (Stand up if you’re reading Boyleing Points at the end of the day. I don’t want to hear how I’m killing you.) Of course, 20 percent of you have nothing to worry about. According to some fact sheet I read, one in five people think the world will end in their lifetime. Extending their lives is a waste of time. Sheesh, what a bunch of egomaniacs. (I’m not saying if I’m in the 20 percent.)

And I didn’t know that it’s illegal to take a bite out of someone else’s hamburger in Oklahoma. That came from some “dumb laws” website I was reading in the terminal waiting for Spirit to reboot. The same website said it’s illegal in New York for citizens to greet each other by “putting one’s thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers.” Good thing the other common gesture we all know is perfectly legal.

And, oh, “It is against the law to throw a ball at someone’s head for fun.” I think Phil Goldfeder should get that one changed. I’d rather have him focus on getting that changed than getting a ferry. I’ve got a serious jones about throwing balls at people’s heads. I’d like to do it without getting arrested.

And though I didn’t find this on a website, I found out through email: Homeowners and store owners in Arverne By The Sea pay for piping plover security.

It’s in the fine print of their common charges. They pay the Parks Department to monitor those little birds that get three miles of beach to themselves five months a year.

I know Spirit sucks but thanks to them I know a lot of other stuff now.

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