2014-01-31 / Columnists

Boyleing Points

Vacation Retrospective
By Kevin Boyle

Wave publisher and tyrant, Susan Locke, said I couldn’t go on vacation without submitting a column (in other words, I had to work twice as much if I wanted off). That means it’s time for me to pull a fast one. Here are some Boyleing Points from yesteryear:

5-4-2002 Take my 4 year old, for example. I’m taking him to school the other day (he’s currently getting a fine public school education) when, out of the blue, he says, “My penis is freezing.”

Now, that’s a new one, I think. Uh, what? “It’s freezing.”

I figure I better take a peek. You have no underwear on! My four year old is going commando!

He gives me the all-time number one excuse for any transgression: I forgot.

Let’s go home, put on a pair, and come back to school. No. I don’t want to.

Ok, look, it’s our little secret. Don’t say anything. When you get out of school (in two and half hours) we’ll go home and put your underwear on, okay? Okay.

Two and half hours later, I pick him up at school. The teacher says, uh, did Sean forget something today?

Uhm, crayons? Paper towels? A permission slip? A juice box?

Noooooooooo, the teacher says. You mean, a piece of wardrobe? Yeah.

So much for our little secret. As soon as he walked into the classroom he announced that he was minus fruit of the loom. Way to go, son.

Can’t wait ‘til he becomes a presidential candidate and they ask him, boxers or briefs? His answer: There’s a third option you know.

1-25-2003 Speaking of Steve Stathis. He was inadvertently called “Al Stathis” in last week’s Bag of Mail when someone listed this year’s Deputy Grand Marshals for the St. Pat’s Parade. Notice to you wiseacres out there: Stop with the Al Stabile comparisons right now.

7-26-2002 Power of the press, right on. After I launched a complaint in this column about a sorry looking fence along Beach Channel Drive—-City Councilman Joe Addabbo (with a huge assist from Sandee Doremus) got it torn down and a new one put in its place. (Something a little more pleasing to the eye would’ve been nice, but beggars can’t be choosy). Now if he can do something about some of the mausoleums being built in the neighborhood of Necronsit, er, I mean, Neponsit, I’ll really be impressed.

Okay, that’s impossible, but how about this: build an A-framed styled cabin on the parking lot at Beach Channel and 116 street and house the Rockaway Chamber of Commerce right there. That would be the perfect spot for a “Welcome to Rockaway” station.

6-27-2003 The now (and forever) closed Neponsit Nursing Home will probably sit there unused for the next few decades. Apparently, the site can only be used for a park or a hospital. Well, why doesn’t the city make some money (instead of issuing summonses to bike riders on the boardwalk) by running it as a park and then making the building (or a new building) a Bed and Breakfast concession? The grounds would still be a “park” and the B and B (or fashionable hotel) would have to be put out for bidders. This would prevent the place from turning into a hot sheet motel no-tell. They’ve got concessionaires that run restaurants (as in Central Park and soon, Battery Park), ice rinks, and a million other things—why not haveaBandBconcession?

8-14-1999 You might have read about Al Stabile’s huge cell phone bill. It got him the cover on Tuesday’s New York Post. Let’s face it, Al’s just a victim of technology. Once Al was able to make calls outside of a phone booth there was no stopping him.

11-7-2003 I hate to put rumors to rest—especially those that are hilarious (true or not)—but I gotta set everyone straight about one wild story now circulating. It seems after an announcement in a local church bulletin about The Graybeards sponsoring a Peter Pan production some folks got the impression that the Graybeards themselves would be performing (needless to say that would have been one tough ticket!). Any number of Graybeards were potential Tinker Bells. Squeezing some of them into tights would have been worth the price of admission. Alas, sorry to disappoint. The Graybeards are merely coordinating and sponsoring the production to be performed by professional actors.

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