2013-12-13 / Columnists

Boyleing Points

Election Results Sparks An Investigation
By Kevin Boyle

Ok, there’s no real shame in losing to Derek Jeter but to Ed Koch and John Lindsay? Now that hurts.

The Board of Elections has told me they are investigating the election results after I inquired as to why my write-in vote for myself was not counted. Some have wondered if it were just a matter of someone not being able to read my hand writing. Impossible. Good penmanship flows out of these hands as a result of the many years that my knuckles were rapped by the nuns of St. Joseph. There’s no dispute that my handwriting was easier to read than the tiny printing on the ballot.

As the investigation goes on I’m reminded of the poll workers who told me I was wasting my time. Not really. I just want to see how democracy works. One man, one vote. Or is it one man, one maybe vote.

I hope the investigation is thorough, I really don’t want to lose faith in the system. I’m ready to help prosecutors as much as needed. I will go behind a two-way mirror and pick my printed name out of a line-up, if necessary. I will stare down other scribblers. I’m pressing the case of the missing vote all the way. (I suppose Lew Simon’s busy doing the same – he sure has been scarce lately).

Anyway, the results – as deeply flawed and incredible (incredible as in not to be believed) as they are, are worth a scan.

Derek Jeter got his two votes. Both of them from Queens, by the way. Take that, Mets fans! Someone named Ivette Rodriguez Rodriguez (who I guess insisted on keeping her last name) got one vote. How her name fit on the write-in line is something else I hope investigations will reveal.

At the polls, they told me I was wasting my time voting for myself but I actually had a chance to serve. Ed Koch is a bridge not a breathing human. And another dead guy, Fiorello LaGuardia, got a vote. They were able to read his name on the ballot but not Kevin Boyle? Freddie Prinze got a vote, who’s like Ed Koch without the bridge.

It wasn’t just the dead showing up in the write-ins. Mariano Rivera got a vote. Rudy Giuliani got seven though I don’t know if those votes are for Eric Ulrich’s Chief of Staff or the former mayor. Speaking of Eric, he got a write-in vote too! Someone didn’t like filling in the ovals, I guess.

The reason the election results have to be questioned is that Roseann Barr, Ronald Reagan, Carlos Danger (yes, really), Chuck Norris, Howard Stern, Jon Stewart, Sue Simmons ( I know who voted for her!) and Snake Pussker all got votes. But not one for Mickey Mouse or Donald Duck? That’s all you need to know; the system is rigged.

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