Bums Must Go
I have determined our government must go. I don’t care where but the 435 all must resign and leave Washington. Before they leave, they must turn in their American Flag Pins and in their place receive a pin with the letter “A” on it which does not represent their grade as a politician as one can gather by the barely discernible letter “h” close by. The departed will not be allowed to receive heath care for life or a pension as they leave in disgrace. In their place, I intend to recruit 14 year olds from the ninth grade across the country who love America and Americans and want the best for both. To qualify, they all must take and pass tests on fairness and believe in the Golden Rule.
Once arriving in Washington, the recruited 536 will pick slips of paper from a large drum that will determine their assignment, the letter ‘S’ for senate and ‘H’ for house. Staffing the Cabinet would be unnecessary in that any information Cabinet Secretaries provide can be accessed on line. The office of the Presidency would be occupied by the winner of a massive game of “Simon Says” who would give his 'S' or 'H' to the one remaining ‘Congressteen’ without an assignment. The vestigial office of Vice President would finally meet its doom.
The senate will be comprised of gays, straights, boys and girls of all nationalities who recognize they can be as religious as they wish but they must leave their religious practices at home while serving their country. They must work as many days a week as necessary to assure government will function effectively; and, they can visit their parents on Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter and on Skype. These ‘Junior Congressmen’ need not return to their constituents to raise money to run again in that they will only serve for one year. Thus, for them money is literally no object. They needn’t do 'meet and greets' to inform their neighbors of the progress in Washington as this is all done on line on Facebook and Twitter. There will be no meetings with lobbyists as my Junior Senator and Representative simply will be too busy doing the people’s business to do big business’s business. At the end of their term, my 9th grade politicians will be rewarded with service credit which will look good on their resumes when they apply for college using no interest grants they will enact into law.
What would my Junior Congress discuss and pass? Certainly financial aid for college students would be high on their agenda. Helping the poor and less fortunate would be right up their alleys. Stopping our wars and bringing our soldiers home might top the to-do list. Providing medical care for all who need it regardless of pre-existing conditions would be a sure bet. Certainly no one would be forced to leave their home for non-payment of mortgages or rent until every last effort was exhausted to keep them there. Clean air would be a priority as asthma has become a near epidemic for youth in the inner cities. The areas that are verboten for our Juvy Congress are lowering the drinking and driving ages. My how our new young public servants would be surprised to discover how easy it is to balance a budget when there is no pork involved. Budget balancing, they would find, is even easier when they are all on the same team, team America.
Once serious government issues were disposed of either through votes of yea or nay and the yeas enacted into law, our Junior Congress could have some fun passing such holidays as National Ice Cream Day and Backwards Day, the latter in commemoration of the previous occupants of the senate and house. But, their primary mission would be to do their best to run the country and advance it toward a certain future. When their year has elapsed they will be congratulated for their efforts at a gala hot dog and burger barbecue on the Whitehouse Lawn. They will be returned home on commercial flights with the profound gratitude of the American People and be replaced by another group of 14 year old patriots, energetic of deed and pure of thought.
If anyone within eyeshot of this column thinks that 14 year olds could not do a better job than the “A**h****” currently spinning their wheels in Washington think again. Adults have done everything in their power to paralyze Washington politics. To extricate us from this mess, I place my money on American youth. All in favor say, “aye.”