2013-10-25 / Columnists

Boyleing Points

Shelter From The Storm
By Kevin Boyle

Well, I know you didn’t read Boyleing Points first this week. It’s buried on Page 260 or something. So don’t try that fake flattery on me. Though, of course, I take that back. Fake flattery is always welcome. Phil Goldfeder has that figured out.

But you can thank me for offering a port in the storm, so to speak. There will be no mention in this column of that other thing everybody is talking about. You’ll get no weather reports of things past.

I won’t even mention that thing that always seems to disappear and how we’re promised more of. You know, the naturally occurring granular material composed of finely divided rock and mineral particles. The only anniversary mentioned here will be about the one from August 2nd. Happy anniversary, honey!

There won’t even be a word that rhymes with candy. Not a word means, I’m Harpo Marx regarding water marks.

This is your chance to suffer through puns not memories. So if you get board— walk away.

The only Mormon I’ll mention is Marie Osmond. Who according to a newspaper headline I read while waiting on line at Waldbaum’s is now a blond. I wanted to buy the paper to check her out but I was afraid she’d be wearing a yellow vest. And then I’d be thinking of all those yellow vests who came here after the you-know-what.

I’ll talk about a double play and a double rainbow but there’ll be nothing about a double dune.

For this week, I’m boycotting Plum Tomatoes and the new buzz word that rhymes with Schlesilience. None of that stuff here. This space this week is for those who prefer McHale’s Navy to the Army Corps of Engineers.

This is for the hermits and agoraphobes out there. Meetings can get covered elsewhere. This is where we talk about Costco not Hesco.

You can see words. You can see floors. You can see ceilings. But you won’t sea walls here.

The only protection you’re gonna read about in this space is birth control (which is not a Trap Bag joke).

You have a better chance of spotting Bill de Blasio than finding a word about high up places where lifeguards can double as air traffic controllers.

Nope, you won’t read a word about the motion of the ocean. Here’s hoping you needed a silly harbor.

Now back to the regularly scheduled programming.

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