2013-09-20 / Columnists

Boyleing Points

A Little Early to Be SAD
By Kevin Boyle

There’s an old joke: You know why there are so many atheists in Russia? ‘Cause it’s effin cold.’

It’s that kind of outlook I find very appealing. I’m one of those summer is over on Fourth of July kinda guys. This year was over more like April 30th. With no boardwalk I hardly saw the ocean. I was like a DFD who just happened to live here. In fact, I was such a DFD I think I wore black socks the couple of times I walked down to the beach. And I was like someone out of a Beth Hanning column. I sat down way too close to somebody I didn’t know. I even thought about going into someone’s driveway to use their hose or their outdoor shower. Sunburn is one thing but I caught DFDism and the summer was over before I could straighten out.

When temperatures hit the teens this week, I realized that my seasonal affective disorder was kicking in. Seasonal affective disorder is called SAD which means I need a therapist’s couch, a case of beer, or Florida relocation from here until St. Patrick’s Day. Some people love September days. I dread them. I can’t enjoy what is undeniably beautiful weather when I know they’re in short supply.

I’m not a half glass full guy. I’m a the glass is chipped and will make you bleed kinda guy. Who cares if it’s half full. September’s nothing but a tease and I haven’t liked teases since high school.

I guess all this negativity leaks through to other parts of the paper. There’s this guy named Timothy who is always tweeting about how negative, negative, negative The Wave is. I’m pretty sure he stamps his feet while tweeting. And really bangs his smart phone keyboard with his thumbs almost causing injury. Sheesh, Timothy, Timothy stop being so negative.

Boyleing Over: Meanwhile I shouldn’t be selfish and keep all these rumors to myself. The old Beach Club on Beach 116th Street will be an Appleby’s; the HSBC bank will be an IHOP and the safety deposit boxes at Chase were found floating around after the storm. Oh, and the building is falling down. As far as I know, none of these are true. Not even close. You walk into a store and start chatting and you never know what you’ll hear. Oh, and the one about Bill de Blasio visiting Rockaway probably isn’t true either.

**In Parks We Rust. Liam Kavanagh of the Parks Department told me the new shade structures on the boardwalk were not rusting. There is “discoloration” but it’s not rust, he said. Someone nearby said, it will discolor for the next five years and then you pick which color you like best.

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