So I ended up in the hospital. A bicycle pedal speared me and one thing led to another. If you’re gonna get poked and prodded and lanced – yes, lanced – I have a place to recommend. It’s not on the peninsula. So, if you get sliced by a pedal and some horror movie goo starts coming out of your wound, let me know and I’ll tell you where to go. Rockaway should have such a hospital but that’s what new mayors and rallies are for. Anyway, where was I ? Oh, yeah, the lance,
When your name is Boyle there’s nothing you fear more than a lance. It’s like garlic or Kryptonite.
We used to say Lance D. Boyle was a long lost relative who’d been killed by locals for liking his job too much. But there’s no joke when they say Lance D Boyle in a hospital. After trying IV antibiotics for a couple of days with my foot still looking like something from a Pickles and Pies dumpster, they decided they had to go medieval on me. They took out a bunch of blades like Sweeney Todd with the idea to find out if there was puss or blood behind the topical mess. Are you cringing by now? Damn straight. I push good taste and language in this space as it is — if I described the actual lancing you’d be reading nothing but bleep, bleep, and holy mother of god bleep.
Oh wait, before they went for the lance, they wanted to make sure I didn’t have circulation problems so they gave me a shot. Right in the stomach. I thought they did that only for rabies. Modern medicine, man. WTF?
As the surgeon lifted the lance – I thought about Anthony Weiner. Who else? Now, he’s been psychoanalyzed enough but it seems one point has been overlooked. He said he started sending naked pictures again when he and his wife were going through a “rough patch.” Makes me ask, ok, when you’re mayor and you get booed at a Rockaway parade will you hurry back to Gracie Mansion and send pictures to Debbie in Dallas?
If there’s a transit strike or a blackout – such things might be considered rough patches – would Carlos Danger suddenly be texting from City Hall.
Sad thing is, the guy showed up at my door just days after Sandy to ask if I needed help. So I’ve got a soft spot. But dude, c’mon. Is that why you were asking me where a hot spot was? You needed an internet fix? Still being Carlos in the post Sandy era? Dude. Why didn’t you put Carlos to rest on October 30th? Dude, dude, dude.
And then reports come out that say he paid investigators in 2011 to find out who hacked his account. Before he admitted he did all of it. That’s the job I want! I want to be the investigator hired to find out who screwed up his campaign.