2013-03-22 / Columnists

Boyleing Points

By Kevin Boyle

Ok, we all lost a lot because of the storm but we gained something too: weight. No boardwalk and an Endless Winter means stretchy sweat pants are the clothes of choice these days. Think about it. People would wear shorts all year around here. What’s happened?! The shorts must’ve been stowed in the basements that got flooded. Or maybe people just don’t want to show off their cankles. (Hey proofreaders—leave that alone. It’s cankle as in you can’t tell where the calf ends and where the ankle begins).

Me? With more gray hair than ever and pockets of fat that just appear I look like a unwanted garden gnome. When people ask, how’d you do or how’d you make out, they’re asking about my house and the storm. But I can’t but think, it’s not the basement I lost, it’s the twenty pounds I found. The hurricane came and went. This lard won’t leave. Of course I only have myself to blame when I’d rather have a yodel than do yoga.

The bright side? No worries about shade on the beach. You can rent me. Though the Parks Department probably won’t let me. After all the noise about comfort stations the last thing they need is me blocking views.

Of course, I’m not alone. Lots of people have told me they’d like an apple or a banana but with some stores closed and others just too far, well, hello donuts! Others tell me they go to fundraisers all the time and well, you don’t get tofu and shredded wheat there. You eat and drink to excess which is the best way to show thanks to the people holding the fundraiser. We’ve moved past the Rockaway cough to the Rockaway Roll.

The missing boardwalk, Riis park being shut down, streets with car swallowing potholes, brutal winds, and closed gyms are just some of the handy excuses I’ve used. It makes me sweat just thinking about it. Good thing they overturned that 20 ounce soda ban, I think I’ll pour myself a Mountain Dew now.

Not everyone is taking this lying down, so to speak. I hear one guy found an alternate bike path. He hops on his bike and circles through the Waldbaum’s parking lot. With its smooth surface and potential of a Lew Simon sighting it could become the new thing. If a heavyset guy with a radio finds a bench there you’ll know it’s the new boardwalk.

Just remembered, there’s another fundraiser this week. Oh boy. I hope they start allowing sweat pants at these things.

**Boyleing Points: Since I’m not ready to start a diet I thought I’d throw out a happy hour idea. Why not take the ferry from Beach 108th street INTO the city on Friday afternoons and just return with the people coming home. A 5:55 departure from Rockaway and then return on the 6:30 or 7:30. Sounds like a plan on the next good weather Friday to me.

** From the Anything is Possible file: Joe Kenel is a grandfather ! No more details were available as we went to press, but really,what else is there to say? Joe Kenel is a grandfather. Amazing congrats to all.

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