2011-08-05 / Columnists

Boyle-ing Points

Nails And Ales
Commentary By Kevin Boyle

Hipster warning alert.

Okay, by now, everyone knows Rockaway is just a suburb of Williamsburg. And all things considered, Rockaway’s done a nice job absorbing the Brooklyn Vegan lemmings. Fish tacos, boatels, and Buddy Holly glasses are like My Cousin Vinny: they blend.

But there’s a hipster joint in the City that just might portend the end of Rockapulco as we know it. It’s a former beauty salon turned gin mill. They’ve still got the huge hair dryer things on the wall that make women look like they’re about to be transported to the future. Or back to 1955. Although it’s now a full bar and the hair dryers are merely decorative they still have a manicurist working on nails at a side table. If Rockaway nail salons start serving booze – this place will make Bourbon Street look like Lancaster, Pennsylvania.

Some Rockaway entrepreneurs are already imagining the possibilities. Keep the manicurist, fire up the hair dryers, continue the eyebrow threading – whatever the hell that is – keep doing all those beauty treatments but bring in some bar stools. Though many a man won’t venture into the nail salons of Rockaway now — tap a keg and offer chocolate martinis and watch the moths stagger to the flame.

There’d be a whole new meaning to guys getting waxed.

When you were a kid – there’d be nothing scarier than being dragged into a beauty parlor on a Saturday when neighborhood women were getting their faces done or whatever they called it. You wouldn’t want to make eye contact with somebody’s mother who suddenly looked too much like Joan Rivers with a splash of Lily Munster. God, the awful memories. You’d be ten years old and you’d want a stiff drink.

Ok, forget the ten-year-old stuff but beauty parlors and stiff drinks? It’s the Rockaway Daily Double. We got plenty of both – you just gotta marry them. You can hear wives now: “Honey, I’m going to get my nails done.” And all of a sudden you’d have the Honeys saying back, “Me, too!”

You know what they say, everybody looks good at 3 in the morning. Now everybody would look good at noon. A few drinks into the day and you’d have men and women alike getting shampoos and wearing tin foil on their heads. It’d be like the Breezy Mardi Gras every week. Come to think of it, some people at the Sand Bar already wear tin foil on their heads.

Which makes me think the reverse could happen as well. Instead of nail salons turning into bars you’ll have famous Rockaway bars installing hair dryers and having Happy Hours offering two for one: a shot and a piercing.

Things might get a little nuts. You’d have Graybeards with purple hair suddenly thinking they were the Old Spice Man. You’d have guys with comb-overs going Brazilian on their domes. You’d have men doing shots of tequila right before electrolysis treatments for their back hair. You’d have a place where David Weprin could have his rug cleaned while campaigning.

And just think how much better the hangovers would look around here. Guys would wake up feeling queasy with the worst kind of dry mouth until they looked in the mirror and saw the new Vidal Sasoon haircut they got and the sparkling fingernails. Metro hangovers, the new thing.

I dunno, I just got a visual – maybe it’s not such a good idea.

And, of course, another downside is all the women who go to nail salons just to get away from men. What would they do? You know what? This is a disaster in the making. We’ll have too many manicured men and thousands of displaced women. That’s why hipsters must be stopped. Tacos today. Beauty bars tomorrow.

Boyle-ing Points: Don’t feel like writing a whole letter to the Bag of Mail but feel like airing a gripe or singing the praise of someone or some thing? You can email me at krockaway@gmail.com – you can remain anonymous if you wish. I’d like to do a column about what others are thinking (being tired of my crap doesn’t count). Brevity is big. One liners most welcome!

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