2011-07-15 / Columnists

Boyle-ing Points

This Hack Is Hip
Commentary By Kevin Boyle

Man, oh man, is Rockaway hip or what?! This place is an irony magnet. I mean our Rockaway politicians have always been clueless but selecting an Inspector Clouseau look-alike to run for Anthony Weiner’s seat is the kind of irony that makes a hipster bust a moby. (translation: dance).

Anyway, word is, Weprin was chosen in a smoke-filled backroom in Williamsburg because that’s where irony was born and the people of Rockaway would just so get this guy.

Like the hipsters du jour, David Weprin does not live in Rockaway or anywhere in the congressional district for that matter. And like the hipsters, locals eye him with skepticism — as they should. Rumor has it he’s not expected to visit Rockaway on windy days. Opponents say it’s a trust issue. Like does he trust his hairpiece to stay on. The whole hairpiece is probably why the Democratic machine selected him. They wanted somebody to reflect the hipster look and they thought he was actually wearing a fedora.

Anyway, no fan of The Pink Panther is gonna be surprised if somebody looking like Cato jumps out of nowhere and tries to karate chop him. Inspector Weprin, does your dog bite?

Oh, one thing voters don’t have to worry about. Unlike our previous congressman, Weprin says he has never used Twitter. Clearly, he’s more old school than that. The throwback stache is definitely more 8mm film than tweet, if you know what I’m saying.

Even though we keep hearing about the Rockaway hipster invasion, I’m still not sure what an actual hipster is. But here’s my guess: it’s everyone between the ages of 23 and 40 with no connection to Rockaway other than a fish taco. It’s not just scraggly guys with fedoras or the girls on fixies (a piece of crap bike). A hipster is also the one wearing the T-shirt that reads Hipsters Must Die. It’s all of ’em.

Don’t bother trying to make a distinction between hipsters and somebody who hates hipsters. I mean, there’s a Facebook page called Hipsters who Hate Hipsters who Hate Other Hipsters for Being Hipsters. That pretty much covers it. And if that doesn’t cover, don’t bother asking. A hipster will never admit being a hipster.

Anyway, most locals are hep to the hipsters. More than a few old-timers have noted, they’re better than the Bloods and Crips. Trew dat. But a warning. Since you can’t be sure who a hipster might be …. Don’t talk about bad poetry in public. Things could get ugly.

Boyle-ing Points: Things I’ve heard good things about. The Gateway Bike & Boathouse (kayaking). …. La Joya, the Central American Restaurant on RBB and B 112… The Fecund Clown … The draft beer at the Sand Bar. Yeah, the place with the customers from the Star Wars bar … The Belle Harbor Yacht Club festivities …. The St. Francis Summer Classic. Btw, The Graybeards basketball finals are Thursday, July 28 at SFDS. Admission is either free or they’ll pay you.

A vacant store on Beach 116th has a sign in the window. Stay Tuned. You May Be Surprised. If it ain’t a dollar store or a nail salon, we will be.

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