2010-10-29 / Columnists

Boyle-ing Points

Vote For Me, I Will Write Letters
Commentary By Kevin Boyle

It’s not quite the cover of Vogue but thanks to Audrey Pheffer and Anthony Weiner for giving me the time for this photo shoot in which they dressed for Halloween as wind turbines. While waiting for the waves and light to show Audrey at her best—-she looks good, doesn’t she? — - a couple of guys named Turner and Paez yelled something about these not being costumes at all. They said these windbag incumbents do nothing but blow hot air, especially during election season. Hmmm, they just might have a point.

I mean, The Wave should have included a respirator insert in last week’s edition. At first I thought the sewage treatment plant was going all Chernobyl on us. But no, the particularly foul stench was emanating from the commentary Weiner had published about the Express A train. First of all, it was right out of the Audrey Pheffer playbook. Write a letter. Have it published in The Wave. That’ll show them.

Anyway, Weiner’s piece last week was so inadvertently self-damning I still can’t believe the Youtube star and mayor wannabe authored it. Let’s review. He began by saying transportation to Rockaway is a longrunning tragic comedy. (Yeah and the sky is blue). He then asks, “is it possible to speed up the A Train? Let’s find out. I have written to MTA Chairman Jay Walder to request a feasibility study for express service.”

Seriously. Is he kidding?

Well, we finally found something slower than the A Train – our own congressman. Weiner’s been representing Rockaway since 1999 and he’s now writing a letter to the MTA? I mean, he’s going to write a letter! To Jay Walder himself. That’s Jason Bourne and Bruce Willis stuff. Get ‘em Tony. Your letterhead and stationery is going to make Walder wet his pants.

Yeah, right. The idea of the express train has been around for years and years. In my previous life as Wave editor, I think I stole the idea from somebody and then gave permission to Anthony to steal it from me. He loved it until someone pointed out that express trains would get stuck behind locals because too many stations have just a single track. Maybe that was a legitimate hurdle but the time to call for a feasibility study would have been way back then. Not now. Not 11 or 12 years into his tenure. Not with a letter to the MTA.

By the way, you think Weiner actually sent a letter? With a real stamp? Or did he just write a column telling us he wrote a letter? Okay, perhaps that’s a little too cynical. Let’s assume he did write a letter and licked the envelope himself. Big deal. He couldn’t pick up the phone and call Walder? And then maybe tell us how that went? Come on.

Hang on here for a quick detour—- hey, if you take the A train you should be used to it. Besides the letter writing charade politicians play, I also love when they show up at protests (the bridge toll, for instance). If they were doing their jobs in the first place the protests wouldn’t be necessary. Remember, Audrey voted to repeal the commuter tax so people in Nassau and Westchester and other places could benefit. As for her own constituents? Well, they get to pay the tax—which is what it is—- on the Cross Bay Bridge. But she’ll write a letter and go to a protest.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, Weiner, right. The fact that he submitted an article to tell us he wrote a letter requesting a feasibility study is shockingly insulting and a self-damning statement of how ineffectual he’s been. And worse, it points to how ineffectual he will remain. A feasibility study? There goes another five years. I mean, you know the MTA response. They’ll say a feasible study will be done to see how feasible a feasible study is.

Okay, okay, enough with the Anthony bashing. Now I gotta go after his friends. The ones who keep calling my house. No exaggeration: his campaign people, Friends of Anthony Weiner, have called me ten times in the last week. I’ve asked them to stop. Nicely. They don’t. So, that’s it. I don’t even want to be a friend of a friend. Anythony, please. Write your staff a letter requesting them to stop calling me. Just don’t take 12 years to do it.

Ah, why sweat it, they won’t want to be my friend after Election Day anyway, right? Which reminds me. So who am I voting for? Me. I am voting for Kevin Boyle for congress and assembly. I’m doing my first write-in ballot. I am announcing late because I don’t want to report donations, track expenses, or, ahem, worry about other election rules. I hope others will cast their vote for me. I’ll ask the Board of Elections for a final tally (mostly to see if anybody read this far in the column). When I asked my mother if she’d vote for me, she said “You don’t need to be elected, you’re already king of the windbags.” And then she asked me how to spell Lew Simon.

Even if my mother doesn’t come through I hope you’ll write me in. Here’s my platform: I’ll do both jobs and take no pay. What makes me qualified? I can write letters and express outrage. Is there anything else to these jobs? ***Boyle-ing Points: After you vote for me, call 311 and complain about the stench coming from the sewage plant. Not that one has to do with the other. ***Do you have ideas for the bay? Please visit belleharborcove.org. and voice your opinion. There’s great interest, unprecedented probably, in doing things that have to do with the bay. Bike paths, kayak and boat launches, fishing piers, you name it. Now’s the time to put your two cents in because it looks like things are going to happen. Bellehar borcove.org is a good place to start for information and to be heard. ***The amazing Rockaway Artists Alliance is hard at work putting together their haunted house for this weekend’s festivities. I snuck in for a preview and all I can say is what they say at the Cyclone on Coney Island. Hang on to your wigs and false teeth. It’s gonna be great. ***I don’t know what it says about Rockaway but the debut of the Stop And Shop was like the World’s Fair opening. Place was packed. Build it and they will come or discount Frosted Flakes and they will flock. ***By the way, if you want to get a hold of me, you might try sending an email to Krockaway@gmail.com. I’m obviously starved for decent ideas and as a reluctant columnist I could use your help. If you want to complain about me just call Howie and tell him to get rid of me. I’d rather open a ninety-nine cents store than write these columns anyway. Actually, I’m gonna call mine a 98 cents store because I want to stand out from the crowd.

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