2008-12-12 / Entertainment/Lifestyles


'Twilight' - Modern Victorian Vampire

Finally, we have a vampire movie that the Pope might approve or, at least, appreciate.

Based on the first novel in the runaway bestselling series by Stephenie Meyer, "Twilight" is a film about high school bloodsuckers as a metaphor for the promotion of adolescent abstinence.

Heartthrob junior Edward Cullen

heartthrob actor Robert Pattinson) is a Romeo smitten with his Juliet, Isabelle ("Bella," get it?) Swan, a new girl at a small Forks, Washington, high school. She is played with total teen Kristen Stewart, who was literally breathless as the asthma-suffering daughter of Jodie Foster's character in the 2002 "Panic Room."

The problem for the love-struck teens is that Edward is a vampire with Victorian scruples, in that he doesn't want to give in to his emotions and combine a bit of bloodsucking with his lovemaking. Any physical connection will trigger uncontrollable passion in Edward and undeadly results. Therefore, the two lovers are forced to lie around and yearn for each other…a lot.

This holding back is great for preteens in the audience, who flocked to the film to the tune of more than $70 million at the box office on opening weekend. Actor Pattinson, should stay away from any theaters showing his movie for fear of being devoured by a ravenously horny tween horde.

Under the poetic direction of Catherine Hardwicke ("13"), "Twilight" is tasteful with little blood and no fangs. What it lacks in plot is replaced by exposition (author Meyer's new mythsweologies), until the finale involving a campy vampire baseball game, which erupts into a war between Edward's "good" vampires (drinking animal blood only, by force of will) and the "bad" ones, thriving on the human plasmatic life force. Edward calls his group, "vegetarians."

Those wanting to keep pace with the Miley Cyrus crowd should check out 'Twilight." Or, better yet, abstain.

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