By Norman Scott
Hot Breaking News From the Department of Education:
The Real Reasons Behind Building a Stadium on the West Side
A storm of controversy has a arisen over Mayor Bloomberg’s plan to build a new stadium for the N.Y. Jets on Manhattan’s west side as a precursor to bringing the Olympics to N.Y. in 2012. At a time when crowded schools struggle for space and class sizes are the largest in the region, some have pointed to the folly of putting money into stadium that will be used for 8-10 football games a year. But we have discovered that Bloomberg has a plan for the use of the stadium that will confirm that his commitment to the children of New York City is as great as his fealty to billionaire real estate interests.
Top-secret documents leaked out of the Department of Education indicate that the new stadium will be used as a school to house all the high school students in Manhattan. This will allow every public high school to be sold for conversion to luxury condos. A win-win for the children of New York and, more importantly, for the real estate interests. Proposals to build stadiums to re place schools in the other boroughs will be revealed soon.
"While logistics are expected to be com plex we know we can handle it with the same competence we have handled the restructuring of the NYC school system," said a DOE spokesperson. What about the delays caused by having 75,000 students go through metal detectors every day? The spokes person said the process would be speeded up by having students pass through fluoroscope machines. But don’t fluoroscopes emit radiation? "Hmmm. We haven’t thought about that issue. But we know out top flight MBA’s running the school system will find an answer. After all, it wasn’t that long ago that they were in high school themselves."
The DOE is drawing up a blueprint of implementation which will include using jumbo television screens to teach. "Think of the economies of scale," said the source. "One teacher, seventy five thousand students." Wouldn’t that violate the class size provisions of the UFT contract?
"What contract? I’m just joking. We do maintain the myth that a contract still exists. But it won’t belong before that is gone. For now, let them file a grievance. We can obstruct and stonewall the grievance procedure ad infinitum. What are they going to do, strike?"
But how will you keep order?
"Oh. That’s easy. We’re hiring 5000 policemen to patrol the aisles. And 300 hot dog vendors to toss lunches to the kids."
An Administrator in Every Pot
IN Every PoT (INEPT), a new program being implemented by the DOE, promises to put an administrator in every classroom. The INEPT program will guarantee teachers will be monitored constantly. "Clearly, the problem with our school system lies with a lack of supervision over an inadequate teaching staff," said a DOE spokesperson. "Our goal is to have a supervisor/ teacher ratio of one-to-one.
No teaching experience will be required for a job as an administrator. We actually prefer to recruit people from the business community, as our experience with Chancellors Levy and Klein has shown that people with no clue about education can fake it enough to make it look like they know what they are doing. Better yet, they don’t carry the baggage of having taught, an experience which might engender sympathy for teachers and children and interfere with our business approach to education."
The DOE is claiming such success for this program, NASA is adapting it and will henceforth hire engineers who know nothing about rocket science to build the next generation of shuttles.
Klein Asks for Corporate Funding to Create Arts & Crafts Center.
As former District Superintendents and Principals keep piling up at DOE and regional headquarters, they are beginning to resemble planes backed up at a runway at LaGuardia Airport. The small school movement has created a number of jobs for supervisors but has not kept pace with the backlog. The Chancellor has asked for corporate help in creating a new arts & crafts center to help occupy their time. "Chancellor Klein is trying to make up jobs as fast as he can, but he just can’t keep up with the demands," said a spokesperson. The Center will include finger painting and pasting activities. A one-way observation window will be installed to monitor activities. No sharp implements will be allowed in the room as there is expected to be a high degree of frustration over the inability to browbeat employees. Vio lators of Center rules will be sent to schools and forced to sit through hours of staff development.
Survivor: Dept. of Ed. Style.
Adapting the style from the hit CBS show Survivor, the DOE will use a similar concept to institute an alternate route to certification. In Sur vivor:
SURR Schools a group of new teachers will be stranded in a SURR school under extreme conditions. They will start out with a class size of 30, no supplies, no support from administrators, and a non-enforceable contract. They will be forced to eat school lunchroom food and endure daily staff development meetings.
Every week the teachers will meet in a tribal council—also known as a faculty conference. After listening to administrators harangue them for the failures of the school, they will vote to remove one member of the faculty who will be told "You’re Fired" by his Mayor Bloomberg himself.
The fired teachers’ classes will be broken up and the children divided among the other classes. After ten weeks, one teacher will remain with a class of three hundred. That teacher will be declared the winner and will receive immediate certification and be moved on a fast track to become a supervisor.