2004-01-30 / Columnists

Boyle-ing Points

Men Are From Mars
by Kevin Boyle

Boyle-ing Points by Kevin Boyle Men Are From Mars

It's one thing to find ice on Mars but how about the mailbox that was discovered on the Red Planet the day after the Iowa caucus? Shortly after his concession rant in Iowa, Howard Dean notified the postal service that he'd like to have his mail forwarded to his birthplace. They were pleased to do so though they had to check the spelling on his name. Was that Howard? Or How-Odd?

Sheesh, I mean what's there to say? Move over, Jimmy Swaggert. Get out of the way, Knute Rockne. There's a new Elmer Gantry in town. You get your butt kicked-finish a miserable third-and what do you do? You get on stage and act like you won and screech to the world that there's no stopping you now. When he ran out of states that he was going to conquer, he punch ed his fist in the air and screeched again. "We're gonna go to Arverne, and onto Broad Channel, we're gonna go to Far Rockaway, and Breezy Point! And then we're gonna roll into Rockaway Park and Belle Harbor and settle the whole boundary thing! Yee-hah!"

As someone said, this is the guy you want with his finger on the button? Well, apparently, the New York City Council (including Joe you-know-who) was comfortable enough with Dean to endorse him some weeks ago. Now? Besides the mailbox seen on the Mars landscape, you can see all his city council supporters in the picture, too.

After months of 24/7 coverage and talk about Iowa I figured we wouldn't even hear the word Iowa again for four more years once the caucus was over. Well, thanks to Howard Dean, we'll always have Iowa.

He outdid Dukakis. It's hard to believe that Michael Dukakis actually got the Democratic nomination back in 1988. What a doofus. Remember him riding in a tank?

Tanks for the memories.

You couldn't get away with this if you were a Deputy Grand Marshal in the Rockaway St. Patrick's Day Parade never mind a presidential candidate. (The only thing missing was a red bullhorn). You know some adviser told him to look tough on national defense. Get in a tank and show the voters. You know someone told Howard Dean, go out there and show the voters you're not done. You still have the energy and will to beat Bush. Show the voters you're gonna kick butt!

You gotta wonder. Did Dukakis and Dean see themselves lampooned and harpooned on every radio and talk show and turn to their advisers and say, "Good advice. Thanks." Or you think it was his idea? Maybe Dukakis was impressive at some point, I can't remember. All I remember is he got on a tank to look tough. Howard Dean? Shirt sleeves rolled up, him yelling "yee-hah!" Thanks for the memories.

Democrats aren't the only foolish ones. You can bet that we'll see George Bush in his flight jacket under the Mission Accomplished sign in future ads run by the Dems. Anyway, here's a hint to future mayor Anthony Weiner-no pictures wearing shirt and tie on the beach. (Unless you're in a tank on Beach 116 aiming for the Lawrence Hotel-that'd be okay).

**A couple of weeks ago when I mentioned some words that were overused and/or misused, the word metrosexual caught the attention of quite a few of you. Again, it's the tag given to straight guys who spend way too much time being neat, groomed and smartly attired. I was called one for wearing a sweater and looking like my hair was combed. But I was innocent of the charge, (Upon closer inspection, the sweater was acrylic and had a coffee stain; my hair was blown into place by the wind-moments later it was blown in another direction). Metrosexuals don't use shampoo-they use hair products. They watch Martha Stewart just as easily as Tool Time. Anyway, someone raised a rather good point. Metrosexual can't be overused in Rockaway. This is a place which is at least two years behind Manhattan. Women would agree that there aren't a whole lot of overly well-groomed guys down here. But in two years85. who knows? Maybe the guy in shorts and ratty t-shirt is a dying breed. Maybe in a couple years he'll be a regular at one of the fourteen thousand nail places down here. As I write, the future's becoming clear.

Rockaway used to be a place with a saloon every couple of staggering steps. Now it's nail salons. The future says it'll be guys moving from bar stools to grooming stools. Egads.

***Speaking of gender-bending nonsense, gay marriage is an emerging non-issue in the presidential campaign. Nobody wants to touch this one, although George Bush has made some comments about passing a constitutional amendment that defines marriage as something between a man and a woman. The safe position is for the pols to say leave it to the states, the gays should have the same civil rights but marriage is something else. Marriage is a tradition, a sacred ceremony between man and woman, one of the fundamentals of our society.

I admit to a bit of confusion on this one. Marriage is something sacred; something to be protected and honored, right? But this is a country where half the marriages fail. This is a place where people who've never met get married at City Hall for immigration advantages. This is a country where Elizabeth Taylor can get married eight times but a gay couple can't get married once? And it's okay for Liza Minelli to marry a gay guy? Rock Hudson, famous gay icon, could marry a woman for fraudulent purposes (to protect his career) but he couldn't marry for love? Rudy Giuliani said I do and til death do us part three times - is he and other thrice married politicians gonna be the ones telling us about the sanctimony of marriage? Gimme a break.

Religions and churches shouldn't be forced to allow or condone gay marriage but a constitutional amendment? Just what the country needs: an amendment saying marriage is be tween a man and a woman, and that's' that. Yep, that'd be great. Such an amendment would stamp the approval on marriages like the two Michael Jackson had.

Anyway, buckle up. Change is coming. In two years, Rockaway will have nail salons packed with people getting dolled up for civil unions. Receptions will be held at the Rugby Clubhouse with hosts Bob and George Johnson.

***Think the winter has been a tad harsh? Someone was heard grumbling: Is this Rockapulco or Rock-salt-apulco?

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