2003-10-10 / Columnists

Boyle-ing Points

Curb Your Tiger
by Kelvin Boyle
Boyle-ing Points by Kelvin Boyle Curb Your Tiger

So, there’s a pit bull down the hall or across the street. Scares the stuffing out ya. You wonder to yourself , okay, the owner likes dogs. But why a pit bull? What’s wrong with a St. Bernard or a German shepherd? Jeez, you’d rather see a Doberman than a pit bull. You’d rather see a rabid wolf on a leash than one of those compact killers. You’ve read those stories about how pit bulls, once they get their teeth and jaws locked on something, they won’t let go. No matter what. Even if they’re dead. Yep. They bite your arm and hang on. The cops come and shoot it with a high powered rifle and the damn thing is still locked on your mauled and mangled arm. That’s the image I get from these, uhm, pets. I’ve heard victims have had to walk around for months with the damn thing just hanging on. It’s gotta be tough to buy suits with a dead pit bull on your arm. I see somebody with a pit bull and I think that’s the same kind of genius who drives down a side street full of kids at 60 mph.

Just when I was thinking there’s no hope for such sociopaths, I saw a line of pit bull owners getting rid of their pit bulls at the ASPCA. They were seeing the light. Simultaneously, they all seemed to have come upon the realization that pit pulls are not pets. Maybe there was some program underway, hand in your pit bull and get a Toys R Us gift certificate or something. Anyway, it got me curious. I nodded at one of the guys. What’s up? That’s good, you all giving up your pit bulls.

Yeah, man, he said. Everybody wants a Bengal tiger now.

Some other guy in line chimed in. That dude in Harlem, man. He had it right. He had an alligator, too. That’s what I’m getting. Take him right down to the beach for a walk and a swim.

Tigers and alligators. Great. The new hot pets. I’m already getting nostalgic for dog crap on the beach.

Boyle-ing Over: I’ve been more or less blackmailed into getting off my mother’s case about those pork chops once and for all. Richie Savastano was aghast. He said he was gonna dig out some old grade school photos of me and show the world how I wasn’t exactly starving. That’s enough of a warning for me. I don’t want the world to know I was a cross between Puglsey of the Addams Family and Spanky of the Little Rascals. (Come to think of it, I’m starting to look that way again).

**Speaking of Pugsley, Rush Lim-baugh has altered his Bill Clinton impression. Now when poking fun at the former president the thrice-married radio star says in a Clinton-like rasp, "I can’t feel your pain." (Under his breath: not when I’m popping a hundred of these babies every day).

**Attention conspiracy buffs. Notice the dunes that are popping up along the beach (see the ones around Beach 111)? Piping plovers are plotting. Bet your bottom dollar that the land-grabbing white birds will find that cozy spot. The beach will be closed to swimmers (and beer drinkers) and the city will save a few bucks because it won’t have to station lifeguards there.

**The more things change…. Anything new on the courthouse? Anything new on the Neponsit Healthcare Center? Just asking. Meanwhile change does seem to be happening in Far Rockaway. Word is that Almost Paradise, the diving center/ bar/ pub on Beach 9 Street will close because the property is being sold to developers. This little secret spot will be missed by divers who’ve been surprised by many things—including tropical fish—in the deep drop just off the shore.

**Remember, things could be worse. You could be a Brave or an A’s fan.

**Happy birthday, Ma (I’m only two weeks late).

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