2003-06-27 / Columnists

Boyle-ing Points by Kevin Boyle

Thoughts Under The Umbrella
Boyle-ing Points by Kevin Boyle Thoughts Under The Umbrella

This just in—if you don’t water your lawn three times daily and flush twice after every toilet use you’re subject to a fine. It was just last year when we had the water shortage (when summonses were given out and water and sewer charges went through the roof). Now with all the rain, the reservoirs are overflowing to the point that Mayor One and Done Bloomberg is asking all New Yorkers to do extra flushing and to leave the faucet on while brushing your teeth. Or else. And even if you don’t have a weak bladder, it’s recommended you stop by the john for a flush whenever you feel like performing a civic duty.

*** Remember how I picked the Kentucky Derby winner? Well, I can see the future again. The west end of Rockaway is going to sink! How much marble and granite can one place take?

It’s been a good three weeks since I commented on the disturbing architectural trends in Belle Harbor and Neponsit (Necronsit to the pun loving). How many over-the-top granite and marble palazzos will be squeezed in until the entire west end looks like Torregrossa’s funeral home. Enough already. Repeat after me: this is a beach community. Think Cape Cod. Think Nantucket. Think Outer Banks. Don’t think Xanudu.

Justification for such monstrosities seems to spring from how much something costs—hey, you know how much that tile and marble costs? Fughheddaboutit. Well, it ain’t about the money. It’d cost a bundle to build a sewer treatment plant but that doesn’t mean it’d be tasteful. I know I’m wasting my time pleading with these homeowners to show restraint but it dopes make me feel good calling them vulgarians in print.

While I’m on the subject of what Rockaway needs—how about a bike lane on the boardwalk? Two lines of white paint—-3 or 4 feet apart— would do the trick. Just like they have in Long Beach. Similar to the lane in Breezy Point along Ocean Boulevard. The boardwalk won’t suddenly become the Tour de France but it’ll give bike riders a better chance of staying alive on east-west trips through Rockaway. As of now, the boardwalk signs say No Bikes between 10-6. Give me a break! The city should be doing all it can to encourage use of bicycles.

And, what other bright ideas do I have? The now (and forever) closed Neponsit Nursing Home will probably sit there unused as the courthouse across from McDonald’s has for the next few decades. Apparently, the site can only be used for a park or a hospital. Well, why doesn’t the city make some money (instead of issuing summonses to bike riders on the boardwalk) by running it as a park and then making the building (or a new building) a Bed and Breakfast concession? The grounds would still be a "park" and the B and B (or fashionable hotel) would have to be put out for bidders. This would prevent the place from turning into a hot sheet motel no-tell. They’ve got concessionaires that run restaurants (as in Central Park and soon, Battery Park), ice rinks, and a million other things—why not have a B and B concession?

I don’t know if the other suggestion I heard recently will fly. Following the leads of Florida, Texas, Arizona and California where teen nude camps are all the rage, some entrepreneurs are angling to bring back the glory days of nearby Bay One which used to be one of the more infamous nude beaches on the east coast. Nude teens?! As if acne isn’t enough to worry about. Anyway, advocates say the nude camp would be consistent with the arcane law that stipulates the place can only be a park or hospital.

**It pays to give heaps of good ink to the West End Fedex Flash. Though there were no camera crews to capture the moment, the Flash made certain the Boyle household was the first on the beach to receive the new Harry Potter tome. (I think Howie Schwach was the first to get Hillary’s book). Oh, that reminds me, a public service announcement: Howie’s last name is pronounced Shwock. That’s a helpful hint for all you folks who begin many Friday conversations by saying: "That guy Swatch or however you say his name…."

**I love the food at the Irish Circle. Honest. Big portions. Delicious. And if I didn’t have a column, I’d write to the Bag of Mail and say so.

**Normally at this time of year, I give a plug to the St. Francis Summer Classic—-it traditionally has offered some of the best free entertainment you’ll find everywhere as kids of all ages hoop it up each weeknight on the outdoor courts. But with the endless rain, there’s been no summer in this classic and I hesitate to tout it (yet). Maybe the few nice days we just had might mean the start of summer––which, of course, to a crank like me ends on Fourth of July. I’m not alone in calling the Fourth the end of the summer but boy is this gonna be a short one.


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