Connolly’s Orioles Jamaica Bay Softball Report
By M.T. O’Kneel
Greetings, fellow ornithologists!! It has been two years since the last Oriole sighting, but
Relief is on the way! Last Sunday the orange and black gathered for their first practice in preparation of the 2003 "Hell Freezes Over" reunion season. The practice went well, with no one getting hurt, not counting the egos that were smashed by the reminders that we are not very good at much. Pete "Who Needs Gatorade" Grogan led the practice with a hitting display that can only be compaired to the likes of a Sosa, or McGwire. A lot has transpired in the past years since the Orioles were last spotted on the field, but let’s start with a "thank you" to Jeff Aquilante for graciously allowing the birds to play out of Connolly’s this summer.
Stop by Connolly’s every Sunday, and than stop by Monday Through Saturday to catch a running commentary about the weeks past game shared by the Orioles over a frozen. It has been a while between updates on everyone’s favorite team, so we have lots to catch up on. On the career front P.O. Whalehead has given up making the streets safe to become a bucket boy; remember kids, only you can prevent forest fires! More good news.....Mike Kelly has lost 33 pounds and is down to a svelte 267!!! The Funhouse has a new resident this year, since Flipper has finally been domesticated by his woman. The newjack is Eddie "Spike" Aleman, and Sully reportedly "broke him in Brooklyn style" his first night. Speaking of Sully, word on the streets is that he’ll be married before 2004. Sorry, ladies...you had your chance! In a related note, Sully and QuinnDawgg’s 30th birthday party will be July 28th at Pier 92. Remember, cash is the gift that keeps on giving!!
The Orioles lineup is shaping up, and I don’t mean that literally in any sense, to be one of the most exciting Orioles groups ever. The rotation will be headed up By Timmy "Chope" O’Connell, followed by Jack "Stop Talking About Me Please, Danny" Allen. There is a regiment of players ready to play first base, catcher, and extra hitter. Now how do we go about filling the rest of the spots? Spike and Quinn-Doggy will be platooning at second base, although Quinn has been overheard stating "I will kill him before he gets a shot at my job". I don’t think Eddie would make much of a teacher, but I guess you gotta do what you gotta do. Mike Kelly, The Bulldog, and The Rooster will fill the right side of the infield. When asked about how he felt about the infield situation Mike Kelly replied, "As long as its hit directly at me, I’ll get it. I can’t speak for the other guys though". The outfield will be made up of Mark the Chef, Trooper, Jack Allen, and mystery right-fielder.
The Goose and Fitz, representing the married guys, vow to "keep it real drinking-wise" each Sunday after the games. We’ll see, fellas. Brian Grace and his "roomate" John are new to the orange and black flock this year. Hopefully, their prowess with a bat and glove is superior to their prowess with a defibrillator and rapid infuser. A note of caution......Officer Bobby "Bling-Bling" McGinn warns you miscreants he’s looking to "crack some skulls", so watch your step! With the sale of The Blackwater completed, QuinnDawgg will now be welcome to patronize its dank, cavelike premises.
Finally, it is with a heavy heart that the Orioles bid adieu to Michael T. O’Neill. He is missing and presumed dead after being seen headed on his bike to the beach for an early morning swim. Although he is no longer with us, we can find solace in the fact that he wasn’t really very good at softball anyway.