2003-03-08 / Columnists

Boyle-ing Points

Even The Bad Guys Better Watch Out
By Kevin Boyle
Boyle-ing Points by Kevin Boyle Even The Bad Guys Better Watch Out

Boyle-ing Points

I loved this one. From the Associated Press: Saddam Hussein and other Iraqi leaders would be legitimate targets for U.S. military forces in a war, the White House said Tuesday.

I should hope so. I mean the White House had to issue such a statement? "If we go to war in Iraq and hostilities result, command and control and top generals, people who are in charge of fighting the war to kill the United States' troops, cannot assume that they will be safe,'' spokesman Ari Fleischer said. "If you go to war, command and control are legitimate targets under international law.'' Translation: Even the bad guys better watch out. What a relief: Up until the White House issued this statement, I assumed we were just going to get everybody but Saddam and his top henchmen. Seems to me, "command and control" should be the first targets. Maybe somebody should ask one of the retired generals who are all over the cable news shows about this. (Some of them look so familiar, I think they were last seen as "serial killer experts" when the DC snipers were on the loose).

Boyle-ing Over: Next time you feel intimidated by a lawyer or feel yourself reflexively bowing to their greatness, maybe you should think about a couple of these beauties. (Someone sent me them via email; I'm told they appeared in the Massachusetts Bar Association Journal. I'm giving it credence because it's the first email I've gotten in a while that hasn't told me I need, er, physical enhancement). Some of the witness responses are classics.

Lawyer: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?...

Lawyer: You were there until the time you left, is that true?...

Lawyer: How many times have you committed suicide?...

Lawyer: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8? Witness: Yes. Lawyer: And what were you doing at that time? ....Lawyer:: She had three children, right? Witness: Yes.

Lawyer: How many were boys? Witness: None.

Lawyer: Were there any girls?

Lawyer: You say the stairs went down to the basement? Witness: Yes.

Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Lawyer: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? Doctor: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Lawyer: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? Witness: Oral.

Lawyer: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..

Lawyer: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Lawyer: You were not shot in the fracas? Witness: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel....

Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for

a pulse? Answer: No. Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure? Answer: No. Lawyer: Did you check for breathing? Answer: No. Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? Answer: No. Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor? Answer: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Lawyer: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? Answer: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

***Reports of his retirement were greatly exaggerated. The friendly fire Captain at the Beach 116th street firehouse, Kenny Whelan, is back on duty after the briefest of retirements. It can't be true that his family got sick of seeing him and ordered him back on the job, can it? All I know is basketball players everywhere were relieved. They figured once he was retired he'd have even more time to referee. Nobody wants that to happen.

***Got a great email from Singapore regarding Braving The Waves. A Rockaway guy, Peter Moerler, has spent years doing business in the Far East. He said his mom sent him the copy and was very complimentary about said book. I would've answered him by email but some autoresponder said he won't have email access until June. So here's hoping he reads The Wave online or Mom tells him I said thanks. Send email to BravingTheWaves.com.

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