By Kevin Boyle
Whenever I hear something, I figure the whole world already has. I'm the last to know kinda guy. I figure by the time I get wind of something or somebody, it's yesterday's news. Out. Over. How hip can something be if I'm familiar with it? Like Eminem, the white rapper? He's toast. Clearly on his way to headlining in Vegas if I've heard of him. No point in weighing in on his harmful impact on America. I want to get outraged and spout my indignation. But I can't. It's like the bottom of the ninth and I'm still yelling about a call in the third inning. Shut up, already. Just this morning, I had to trash a whole column I had written about MC Hammer and how he was going to ruin the youth of this country. That Elvis Presley's another guy....
I don't venture a peep on anything I think might be new. I've gotten too many of those looks---what cave have you been in?---too many times. My antennae catch fuzzy tidbits about things that are wack. Wack? I don't know what wack means but it sounds more hip than "rad."
The thing is, I suspect there's a growing number of us who just can't keep up with things anymore. That's why platform shoes and bellbottoms always come back. Sooner or later they're gonna make you feel hip again. But actually staying hip? That's too tough---it's easier to spend $375 on a single ticket to the Rolling Stones. As I hear, some locals did.
Boyle-ing Over: As a follow-up to the above meandering: You heard it hear first: The Giants will beat the Raiders in the Super Bowl.
***I can't say I've actually watched the new reality show, "Joe Millionaire"---I'll catch it in re-runs. But I think I've got the gist. Girls vie for studly looking mannequin worth $50 million. The trick: he's got no coin at all. He allegedly makes $19 thou a year. Okay---but at the very least, the "winner" gets a handsome guy. I think it would have been far more interesting to have an ugly looking troll as the faux millionaire. Week after week the audience could hear the woman declare how they've found the beauty inside the guy. How beauty is only skin deep. And the money doesn't really matter. Then drop the news on the "winning" babe---now that I'd wanna see.
***If you read On The Beach (with Beverly Baxter) you know there's some locals digging through city records to determine if Rockaway is within its rights to declare itself an independent city. And, if true, the residents will one day be able to vote whether or not to secede from New York City. Sounds like a plan! We can have a City of Rockaway with the boroughs of Rockaway Park and Belle Harbor. But wait, that might cause a border war. Ah, forget the city idea---let's go back and fight about the dunes instead.
***Rumor has it that Joe Featherston, a low-key, self-sacrificing hero of the Beach will be honored by The Graybeards at their annual fundraising soiree on February 1. Tickets to said affair are just about sold out but if you want to make a plea---see Brian King, Jack Weber, or Steve Stathis.
Speaking of Steve Stathis. He was inadvertently called "Al Stathis" in last week's Bag of Mail when someone listed this year's Deputy Grand Marshals for the St. Pat's Parade. Notice to you wiseacres out there: Stop with the Al Stabile comparisons right now.
***Congratulations to basketball star, Cait Boyle. Although she's thrown more than 1000 beautiful passes in her career, she was most recently honored for scoring her 1000th point for Bishop Kearney High School.
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