2002-12-28 / Columnists

From the G-Man

The Year End "Jacky" Awards
By Gary G. Toms

By Gary G. Toms

The Year End "Jacky" Awards

Hey people! Live from Radio City Music Hall in New York City, it's The Jacky Awards! And now, your host for this year's show...the creator of The Urban Entrepreneurs Series, Pictures and Punchlines, and star of the upcoming Steven Spielberg thriller, "Somebody's Gonna Kill That Black Guy," Gary (The G-man) Toms!!!

(He is greeted with roaring applause and a standing ovation, as the theme from "Shaft" plays.)

G-man: Thank you. Thank you all, and welcome to The Jacky Awards. You know, it's been far too long since I handed out these coveted trophies, and there are many people that are deserving of the honor this year. It will truly be a pleasure to make these presentations as we look back at some of the people who had an impact on our lives.... in one-way or another.

Before I get started, I guess I should take a moment to explain what the "Jacky Award" is to all of the readers who may not be familiar with its history. The Golden Jackass Award (Jacky) was something I created to salute the people, places and things that defy everyday logic or are just plain STUPID!!! I mean dumb to the twentieth power! I think you get the idea. It's basically a statue of the stupidest, ugliest looking jackass you have ever seen in your life. No, no, I'm not talking about Trent Lott. I'm talking about a stupid, smelly donkey or mule. Okay, they're giving me the sign to move it along so let's get to the presentations. To present the first Jacky of the evening, let's welcome everyone's favorite odd couple, Wave Managing Editor Howard Schwach and Democratic District Leader Lew M. Simon!

(They enter as the theme to "The Odd Couple" plays.)

Howie: Good evening all. Lew you look smashing as always. Read any good stories in The Wave lately?

Lew: #$%& you Howie! Why do you always f*&^%$g cut my column? Why do you hate me so? You're a f*^#@!g moron, you know that? And you'd better start putting the information about my Atlantic City trips in my f*&%$#g column too!

Howie: Whoa! Nobody told me I was going to be presenting with one of the Osbournes! Anyway, we're here to present the "Wish I Was in Dixie" Award to Senator Trent Lott. Because of his tireless commitment to outdated, asinine thinking and a really bad toupee, Lott was an overwhelming choice for this honor.

Lew: That's right Howie, you a%*^#e! Lott is a prime example of why "the brothers" have such hatred for "the man." Unfortunately, Lott could not be with us this evening because he's at K-Mart purchasing some new sheets. I understand they're having a white sale. We will accept this on his behalf. Thank you.

(Howie pushes Lew as they walk off stage.)

Lew: Don't touch me Howie!! You pig!!

(They exit and G-man enters)

G-man: Man, those two should get a room. Our next presenter is taking the publishing world by storm with his second chart-topping book, "Braving The Ferry...Rockaway Gets Jerked and Jerked Again." Ladies and gentlemen, Rockaway's native son... Kevin Boyle.

(He enters as the theme to "Danny Boy" plays.)

Kevin: Thanks G-man. I don't know what the hell I'm doing here when I could be at The Harbor Light. I'll give this awards thing a shot anyway. Anybody seen my Dominos hat? Anyway, I'm here to present the "What The Hell is Wrong With You?" Award to the King of Pop, Michael Jackson. Michael has shown the world that he is definitely one French fry short of a Happy Meal, and I for one couldn't be happier. Michael is a man who has redefined the term Thriller . You realize that every time you look at his face. "Eeeeheee...ow!" Between sleeping with the Elephant Man's bones and dangling babies from a balcony, where does he finds the time to buy those colorful veils for his kids?

His white glove has become the stuff of legend, but I have to share a little known fact with you. For those of you who may be wondering what happened to the other glove, it was found buried next to the Rockaway Charter that was dug up two years ago. Go figure. Oh Mike, about that crotch grab? They have an ointment for that now. You might want to check it out.

By the way, ignore that talk about his monkey, "Bubbles," being dead. I saw the monkey when I went to Jackson's Never Land Ranch. It was sitting in a corner playing with Jackson's old nose. I gotta tell ya, Jackson was irate about it. He kept yelling at the monkey, "Bubbles stop!!" It was something I won't soon forget. Sadly, Mike's not here tonight because of a previous engagement.... to Lisa Marie Presley AGAIN! Just kidding folks. That's a hell I certainly don't want to experience a second time. I will accept this on his behalf. What the hell, I can sell it on E-bay. G'night all!

G-man: Thank you Kevin. By the way, can I get one with extra cheese to go? Thanks! (Laughs) That's an inside joke folks. Our next presenter is a distinguished member of the "Friends of Rockaway." Please give a nice round of applause for The Wave's environmental reporter, Bernie Blum.

(He enters as the theme to "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" plays)

Bernie: (Looking at the Director off stage) What? I can't hear myself. Is this on? Is the microphone on? Oh...I'm sorry!

(He turns quickly to face the audience.)

Good evening. I'm here to present an award, but first I must tell you about the government's effort to steal the topsoil in Rockaway.

(The crowd begins to boo him)

Forget all this glitz and glamour awards crap. You people are in danger from being eaten by giant rats that are hiding in the borrow pits.

(The boos get louder!)

They're going to start at your toes, and work their way up. It won't tickle! You have to take me seriously. The end is near, and the great Beelzebub will swoop down and kill us all. You have to stop feeding cookies to the piping plovers. It swells their stomachs and makes them vomit on the topsoil, which creates an ecological imbalance. Flatulence is causing beach erosion in the Rockaways!! Please I'm begging you! Please...

(The orchestra begins to play music and several security men grab Blum. The camera pans to G-man, as Blum is heard causing a commotion in the background.)

G-man: Due to time constraints, here are the winners that were selected earlier this evening. The votes were tabulated and recorded by the accounting firm of Pierce, Waterhouse and Reynolds.

The "I Got Over.... BIGTIME!" Award
Lizzie Grubman
(Justice has really deep pockets!)

The "Bastard of the Year" Award
Co-recipients, the Beltway Snipers
("The Chair" is too good for them!)

The "I'm So Overrated" Award
Jennifer Lopez
(Never trust a big butt and a smile!)

The "Stick A Fork In 'Em" Award
The Democratic Party

The "Joy of Cooking ...The Books" Award
Martha Stewart (for being a greedy b---h!)

The "Slap Him In His Bald Head" Award
Dr. Phil (for just being annoying)

The "We Could Care Less" Award
Rudy Guiliani (upcoming nuptials)

The "Chicken Hawk" Award
Donald Rumsfeld,
Secretary of Defense and
Dick Cheney, Vice President
(For rushing into a war with Iraq and threatening to fight two wars at once)

The "What Was I Thinking?" Award
Phil Donahue
(For trying to revive his legendary talk show)

The "See How Political I Am?" Award
ean Penn (For traveling to Iraq)

The "A-Ha... Fooled You!" Award
Al Gore
(I'm a candidate...oops! Never mind.)

The "I'm So Rich, I'm Stupid" Award
Jason Williams
(Ex-NJ Nets player who is facing murder charges)
Allen Iverson
(For his constant run-ins with the law)
Mike Tyson
(Because he just doesn't learn)

G-man :Well, that's our show for this year. Thanks for coming, and we hope to see you next year for The Jacky Awards! Goodnight from Radio City Music Hall in New York City!!! Can I get some security over here to break up a fight? Howie, Lew...cut it out! CBS won't invite us back next year! Security!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! See you next week!

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