2002-11-23 / Columnists

From the G-Man

From the G-Man

By Gary G. Toms

G-man: Employment Consultant

Hey people! With all of the talk about a comeback by Al Gore in 2004, I started thinking about other notable people that have been under the media spotlight recently. Like Gore, the people that came to mind have managed to somehow fall from grace, and the public either loves them or hates them. I would not be thrilled with a "Gore In 2004" campaign, and I would be much happier if "Sir Stiffalot" would simply move on to a different career. Come to think of it, I feel the same way with regard to all the other people that came to mind. If I had the opportunity to be an employment consultant for the following headline makers, I'd make sure they got what they deserved.... and then some.

Al Gore (Former Vice-President)

Hey Al, I have the perfect job for you buddy. Come on in, and pull up a chair. Relax dude! You're way too stiff. Loosen that ugly tie for God's sake. That's better. Now, mess up your hair a little. You look too much like Clark Kent. Good. Put on this apron. I don't care if it doesn't have little elephants on it, just put it on! Here's the hat that goes with it. Al, if you give me a hard time, I'm going to tell Tipper that you also know somebody with a stained dress. I thought you'd see things my way. So, we have the apron, the hat, and the disgruntled look working for us. Now, repeat after me. Sir, would you like fries with that? Good job Al. Try this one. Would you like to super size your order? Great! You're good to go. Call me in two weeks and let me know how things are progressing, okay? I'm counting on you Al. I don't want any more screw-ups. No more giving the finger to the customers like you did at Subway. Call me in two weeks. Next on line!

Lizzie Grubman (PR Mogul)

Okay, let me get this straight. You mowed down 16-20 people; your rich friends whisked you from the scene; you were drunk as hell; "Big Daddy Cash" raised bail, talked to the cops, prosecutors, and judges; and you ended up getting a mere 60 days in jail. You know what? I think I have a job that you would be great for. It doesn't pay much, but it's all about taking pride in what you do Lizzie. Do you understand? Good. I want you to take that pail and toothbrush over there and go to this address. It's a clinic that specializes in administering enemas. When the patients are done "doing their business," you're job is to make all 450 toilets sparkle on a weekly basis. No, you don't need any gloves. I want you to get a true sense of what hard work is. I want you to know what it's like to get your hands dirty, literally. The secret of getting through it is to scrub fast and turn your head often. By the way, all the people you backed into have made appointments at the clinic. I'm sure you'll be happy to see them again. Call me in six months Lizzie, and please.... don't write me any letters. Next in line!

Winona Ryder (Film Star)

Miss Ryder, I'm so sorry for all of the horrible misfortune you have experienced. Please put my watch back on the desk. Thank you. Now, I'm going to need a little time to find something for you. Would you mind placing that clock back on the file cabinet? Miss Ryder, stealing is a felony, and since you have been convicted, that may prove to be detrimental in finding you employment. I'm sorry but we need those pens and paper clips for the office Miss Ryder. Thank you. Just give me a week or so to contact several agencies, and I'll try to make something happen for you. I'm sorry Miss Ryder but the copy machine must stay in the office. Miss Ryder! Miss Ryder, release the copy machine or I'll have to call security! Thank you. Now would you please leave? Next in line! Thank God she left. Wait a minute.... where the hell is the fax machine?

George W. Bush (President)

Oh, my bad! You already have a job. It just doesn't seem like it! You may want to consider a career in economic analysis in the future. Take care "Georgie Boy." Next in line!

Jennifer Lopez (Actress/Singer)

Oh no, it's J-Lo! What are you doing in my office? You cannot stand there and tell me you don't have a job, not with all the newspaper coverage you've had recently. I'm glad you stopped by because I want you to check out my version of "Jenny On The Block." Ready? It goes like this. "Although people think that I'm great, I'm still G-man from Beach 88!" It's not funny J-Lo! Stop laughing! It's creative genius! Okay, you can take your big butt out of my office right now. The only thing bigger than your butt is your ego! Your butt's so big I can rest a pack of Budweisers on it. You're butt's so big it should be a lounge chair. You're butt's so big it needs its own zip code. You're butt's so big that some moviegoers thought the Eminem film "8 Mile" was about your butt. Tell me that I did not see you give me the finger. I wouldn't get you a job if you were down to your last bottle of Loreal. At the rate you're going, you'll marry half of Hollywood before you're 30! I've gotta tell you sweetheart, that doesn't look good on a resume. Get out of here, and tell Ben that The G-man is the sexiest man alive, not him! Next on line!

Osama bin Laden (Terrorist)

Oh hell no!! You MUST be on the crack pipe! Get out! I'm going for the gun! Get out you ugly, miserable, one-armed, cave dwelling, bony-assed, jaundice looking, scraggly beard wearing, bean eating, bomb dodging, camel riding freak! They have special job for you in hell, you bastard! Now get out of my office, and take that camel with you. You're stinking up the joint!

See you next week!

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