2002-10-19 / Columnists

From the G-Man

By Gary G. Toms

By Gary G. Toms

Forget 'Dr. Phil!' Just Ask G-man!

Hey people! Let me start out by asking all of you a question. How many of you are as sick as I am of this "Dr. Phil" guy? Oh, man! It was bad enough that we got a dose of him once a week, courtesy of Oprah, now he has his own television show. He has gained notoriety because of his no nonsense approach to dealing with problems concerning love and life. He has been praised as a "straight-shooter," but let's be clear about something. He was not the first to take on issues using a no nonsense approach, and I am insulted that CBS did not call The G-man to launch a talk show. Maybe they were scared I was going to bring the nasty little troll woman (remember her) with me to the studios.

I think "From The G-man" would've garnered huge ratings. I would've shown American audiences what toughness was all about. The only thing different about my show is it probably would have been a live broadcast of a radio call-in show, like "Imus In The Morning" or "Howard Stern." It would go a little something like this.

Caller 1: Hey G-man. I've been having the worst luck dating men. They won't come near me. I look like Pamela Lee Anderson, but they run the other way once they get close enough to talk to me. Please advise.

G-man: Caller, does the word deodorant mean anything to you? Get some "Secret," and get off my line!

Caller 2: G-man, my girl keeps cheating on me, and I don't know why. I've been with her for five years, and she won't stop. Can you tell me what I should do?

G-man: (soothing voice) Sure. Now listen carefully. I want you to go down to a sporting goods store. I want you to purchase an aluminum bat. Take that bat, and clock yourself in the head a few times, really hard, until you knock some sense into your fat head. Five years of cheating, and you're still with her? What are you... "whipped?" On second thought, bring me the bat, and I'll do the honors. Get off my line!

Caller 3: Hi G-man.

G-man: (sarcastic) Yeah, yeah. What's your crisis?

Caller: (continues) I have trouble expressing myself to my boyfriend from time to time. I love him very much, but I just can't seem to get the words out to let him know how much he means to me. What do you think the problem is?

G-man: How much do you weigh caller?

Caller: What?

G-man: How much do you weigh?

Caller: About 260 pounds, but what does that have to do with my problem?

G-man: Everything! The reason you can't communicate with your boyfriend is because you probably have a chicken leg shoved in your mouth half the time. I'll bet all you have time to do is eat and wipe chicken grease off your lips. That's your problem. Baby, I have two words for you...Slim Fast! Get off my line!

Caller 4: Hey G-man. I have been having difficulty getting close to this woman I bumped into a few weeks ago. We met at a function called "Dancing Under the Stars" a while back, and I told her I could do many things to help her with some problems she was having.

G-man: Hold on a second. This voice sounds familiar. Is this you Lew?

Caller: Surprise G-man. It's your Democratic District Leader, the Honorable Lew Simon. Can you help me with my problem?

G-man: No! Get off my line you...sick....freak!

Caller 4: I love the show G-man. I'm 43-years old, and I would like to meet a really nice, successful, handsome, well-groomed man around my age. I want someone that is concerned about the environment and doesn't drink, smoke or play mind games. He also must be a vegetarian. Any suggestions how I can meet such a person?

G-man: Yeah...hop a plane to Disney World and go to Neverland honey. While there, have some snot-nosed little kid slap you upside the head a few times with a Mickey Mouse doll. That should bring you back to reality, with regard to your search for Mr. Wonderful. Get off my line!

Caller 5: (angry) I can't believe you! You are just so nasty to people. These are people with genuine problems, and they are turning to you for help. This is how you treat them? You are a disgrace, and your show should be taken off the air!

G-man: Okay, okay! That's enough mom, and don't call here again! Get off my line!

Caller 6: G-man, you have to help me! You have to help me!

G-man: Just tell me what the problem is, and cut the dramatics.

Caller: My girlfriend's family is having a dinner party next week, and I don't get along with any of them. I feel so uncomfortable being there, but my girl, as in previous years, requests that I be there. Any ideas on how I can I get out of going to this thing?

G-man: Well, seeing that you are too much of a little punk to tell her you don't want to go, this is what I suggest. Go to the supermarket the day of the event. Pick up about six cans of beans. It doesn't matter what kind. Chow down on as many cans as possible to get all nice and gassy. When you get to the dinner party, cut loose as often as possible. Make sure you get "group shots" because those have the most affect. Be sure to smile so they know it was you. I guarantee that not only will they ask you to leave, they will never want you to show up at their dinner parties ever again. Now, get off my line!

This is pretty much what my talk show would be like. It may not be riveting television, but it would definitely be better than Dr. Phil. Then again...anything would be better than Dr. Phil.

See you next week!

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