From the G-Man by Gary G. Toms
Last week, I walked into a small restaurant in Far Rockaway because I was in the mood for some really good seafood. Now, before you start laughing at the fact that there are NO good seafood restaurants in Far Rockaway, just remember that some places do go out of their way to provide you with versions of seafood. Let's hear it for McDonald's and White Castle!
At any rate, I was standing in line "fiending" for some shrimp. I mean it was bad. I pictured myself trembling from head to toe outside of the restaurant, and as people walked out, I'd ask them, "Could you spare a piece of shrimp?" Then, I'd become really indignant. "Where you going? Come back here! Just hit me off with a little piece please!"
I was jolted back to reality when the cashier, one of two in the joint, called for the next person in line. I looked up and noticed that they had a fish sandwich, fish platter, fish and chips, crab legs, and crabsticks listed on the menu.
"Do you have any shrimp items here by any chance," I asked.
"Do you see shrimp anywhere on the menu? We only have what you see up there," she snapped.
I suddenly imagined myself jumping over the counter, grabbing the nasty little troll, and shoving one of those pitiful looking fish sandwiches up her tomato-sized nose.
I stated, "I was simply asking a question young lady. There was no need to be so nas..."
"Next in line," she snapped.
I stood there in stunned silence. I had been dissed and dismissed in the span of two seconds. I now pictured myself grabbing her by her faded Hitler-like moustache and saying, "You have a nasty attitude, your breath stinks, and to top it all off, you have the worst hair weave I have ever seen!" However, I did not allow myself to get upset, and I simply turned and walked out. All the while I was saying to myself, "I would not give that witch five cents to get extra cheese on a Whopper, if my life depended on it. That nasty little troll woman!"
As I made my way to my car, I noticed a little old lady waiting patiently to pull into my parking spot. She smiled and asked if I was coming out. I told her yes, and that she could have my spot. I jumped in my ride, pulled out, and this black Acura came out of nowhere and pulled into the spot. The three teenaged males inside looked at me and laughed.
"Didn't you see that lady waiting to pull into this spot? What is wrong with you," I exclaimed.
They responded by giving me the finger. They got out of the car and headed into the restaurant. I would have confronted them, but I suddenly took comfort in the fact that they would probably have to deal with the nasty little troll woman.
I pulled up next to the old lady.
"I can't believe them. No respect," I said.
"I wish I had my bat in here. I woulda opened up a can of whoop-ass on them punks," she replied.
The comment made me chuckle. I was about to smile warmly at her and say goodbye, when she took me totally by surprise.
"You never should have let them pull in like that. Are you stupid or something? You had to see them there," she screamed.
"Oh, so now it's my fault, huh? Remember me? I'm the guy who was saving you the spot in the first place," I said.
"Go on about'cha business. You're such a fresh young man," she quipped.
Fearing that she too would give me the finger, I threw the car into drive and burned rubber on the granny from hell.
I finally arrived at a friend's house. I told him about the two situations, and we ended up having a good laugh over the events. He cooked up some shrimp for me, in a nice cheese, garlic, and butter sauce. I guess the sauce was a little too rich for me and I had to leave the room to relieve myself.
After I was done, I flushed the toilet. Now, let me tell you something folks. Stop laughing!! There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING, scarier than seeing "your business" spinning toward you as the toilet water starts to rise. Yeah, I know this is gross, but don't act like it's never happened to any of you! I'm keeping it real, so stop trying to be proper! You grab the handle and shake it really fast, hoping to stop the overflow. You quickly close the toilet cover like that's actually going to help, but it doesn't. Now you feel even dumber for trying it in the first place. Before you know it, water is spilling over. All you can do is stare at it, and cringe at the thought that you have to clean it up, especially in someone else's house.
"Yo, "J", I think I'm going to need a mop in here," I stated.
He walked over, looked at the floor, and without missing a beat he said, "This has been a really crappy day for you, huh G."
"Oh, you've got jokes now. Just shut up and pass me the mop" I replied. He was right though. It definitely was one of those days.
I would like to close by sending very special acknowledgements to all the people who sent Email requests for "The Sins of The Father." Last weekend alone, I received over 180 requests, in and outside of Rockaway, and they are still coming in. About 85 percent of the requests came from members of the Catholic Church, who all praised the column. I thank all those who support The G-man. You're the reason why I do what I do.
See you next week!