2002-05-04 / Columnists

Boyle-ing Points by Kevin Boyle

The Little Emperor Has No Clothes

There’s a common question my five or six readers direct at me: where do you come up with this stuff? (Some of them follow with a statement that sounds a lot like the one my teenage son directs at me all the time: Dad, you think you’re funny, but you’re not). The simple answer is I don’t come up with this "stuff " ---it’s given to me.

Take my 4 year old, for example. I’m taking him to school the other day (he’s currently getting a fine public school education) when, out of the blue, he says, "My penis is freezing."

Now, that’s a new one, I think. Uh, Sean, what?

"It’s freezing."

I figure I better take a peek. Sean! You have no underwear on!

My four year old is going commando! He gives me the all-time number one excuse for any transgression. I forgot.

Let’s go home, put on a pair, and come back to school.

No. I don’t want to.

Ok, look, it’s our little secret. Don’t say anything. When you get out of school (in two and half hours) we’ll go home and put your underwear on, okay?

Okay. Two and half hours later, I pick him up at school. The teacher says, uh, did Sean forget something today?

Uhm, crayons? Paper towels? A permission slip? A juice box?

Noooooooooo, the teacher says.

You mean, a piece of wardrobe?


So much for our little secret. As soon as he walked into the classroom he announced that he was minus fruit of the loom.

Way to go, Sean. Can’t wait ‘til he becomes a presidential candidate and they ask him, boxers or briefs? His answer: There’s a third option you know.

Boyle-ing Over: Broad smiles and belly laughs were in abundance at St. Francis De Sales gym last Saturday when the Graybeards hosted the Harlem Wizards for a basketball game. Sunny Edwards, who played at the University of Aqueduct before going pro at Saratoga, brought down the house when he surprised the Wizards and sold-out gym by taking the ball coast to coast for a hoop. Small detail----he scored the hoop in the wrong basket. Just another highlight in the amazing career of everyone’s favorite FedEx man.

Other highlights: Marty Andresen looking like The Mailman as he finished a couple of fastbreak lay-ups Laser Louie Pastina shocked fellow Graybeards who know better---but damn, it looked like he could play! We heard that he’s been haunted for years because he choked horribly in some big game decades ago. He made up for it with one flying, mad dash to the hole. Breezy’s Dan Conlon took his wedgie well. Took it like he was used to it, in fact. Dr. Vinny Esposito, chiropractor to the stars, was evidently looking for new patients when he clipped a Wizard right before halftime. Taking the guy’s knee out was bad enough, but then dropping a business card on the guy? Yikes.

Alex Goldberg, another four year old who probably never forgets his underwear, performed some on-court razzle-dazzle of his own, finishing with a slam dunk over a 6’9" Wizard to the roaring delight of the crowd.

**Speaking of Saratoga and Aqueduct, ---we were, weren’t we---if you’ve got any interest in the Sport of Kings, you gotta check out the New Irish Circle. Come to think of it, even if you can’t tell the difference between Secretariat and Mister Ed, it’ll be worth a trip to the place for dinner or drinks---they’ve done a beautiful makeover job on the landmark establishment.

***It’s Rockaway’s version of the movie Groundhog Day. Same thing happens over and over. If a mass of people gather on the boardwalk for a run you can bet Jim McVeigh will cross the finish line first. Once again, the Rockaway Hall of Fame runner led the field in last Saturday’s Rockaway Rotary-Sweet-N-Low Ocean Run. Before a gaggle of microphones at the post-race news conference, McVeigh dedicated the victory to "all the people of Rockaway who have suffered so much since last summer, especially my true love, S.K. May God continue to watch over us all."

***Bob Johnson, once a fertile scribe for The Wave has apparently transferred his fertility abilities. Bob and wife, Tracey, are the proud parents of Emma Grace, who weighed in at 7 lbs, 8 oz. on April 17, 2002.

Love and birth announcements? What is going on with me? Jeez, I’m starting to feel like Hot Dot on Roxbury. Love ya!

*** One of those six readers of this column is Sandy Doremus of Joe Addabbo’s office----she tells me they’re on the case about that fence along Beach Channel Drive around Beach 110 street or so (the disgraceful fencing make the tire repair shop look charming and quaint). I’ve turned over the hourglass ---let’s see how long it takes to fix or replace.

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