2002-03-09 / Columnists

Boyle-ing Points

By Kevin Boyle

Boyle-ing Points

Growing Old In 20 Minutes A Day

You might be too old to join the circus but you're never too old to be an outlaw.

Did you get a load of that Pagan motorcycle gang that invaded a Hell's Angels party last week? I could swear I saw Willie Nelson and Strom Thurmond wielding bats and Uzis.

When the cops restored order, I half expected to see Rose Kennedy in handcuffs. According to press reports, the Pagans and Hell's Angels are long-time rivals, looooong-time rivals. Some members insist they inspired the movie, Ben Hur.

Apparently, after getting orders from headquarters, members of the Pagans descended upon the Hell's Angel's party armed to the dentures. After the cops got word of the riot, they rounded up ten vans (wheelchair accessible) full of Pagans trying to get away to the Blue Plate special at the Silver Fox diner. Bats, knives, guns, Advil, Depends, and quarts of prune juice were confiscated by police.

Of course, this did have a tragic outcome. One of the Pagans was shot and killed by a member of the Hell's Angels----though I wonder if it was just a case of euthanasia.

Anyway, if you think you're too old to be an outlaw you're not too old to be a rock star. Crosby Stills Nash and Young, first suspected of being members of the Pagans, showed their AARP cards to police and were eventually allowed to perform at Madison Square Garden last week as well. Once onstage, they immediately puzzled themselves when they sang "Old man, look at my life, I'm a lot like you were." They stopped playing and started scratching their heads, clearly trying to figure out just how old this guy would have to be.

If there's a rock and roll heaven you know they got a helluva band. But all we've got is proof of rock and roll purgatory----and that's a helluva thing.

Baby boomers don't seem to mind, though----many are giddy at the prospect that The Who will go on tour this summer. (Though in a small concession to age, they're calling themselves The What).

Boyle-ing Over: There's nothing more difficult than "20 minutes a day." Build your vocabulary, learn to type, learn a new language, get rich, build those killer abs. All you gotta do is follow the program for 20 minutes a day and you'll see miraculous results. Isn't it time Shame on You or some public advocate revealed how misleading 20 minutes a day is? Think about it. It's torture. Absolute torture.

Of course, as I've proven just about every week---I'm no Einstein----but 20 minutes is a relativity thing. You've got to put the 20 minutes in context. 20 minutes in a 24-hour day sounds like a snap. But really, you gotta look at these 20 minute miracles as if they were 20 minutes at a red light or 20 minutes on a Waldbaum's checkout line. Your arteries can harden in those type of 20 minutes.

You'd think somebody would write the 20 Minutes a Day for Dummies book. (Of course, you'd have to be able to read the whole thing in about 10 minutes).

And the truly tragic thing is, if you're mentally tough enough to do the 20 minutes a day you never, ever see the results promised. What's that you say? They offer a money back guarantee? Sure they do. First, they figure most people will never try the 20 minutes so they won't ask for their money back. And those that do ask for their money back? Well, they've got to face the proverbial fine print. You know what comes with every Money Back Guarantee---that infamous tag line: less Shipping and Handling. That's where they get you. How to be a sucker in less than 20 minutes.

And you know with your luck----if you decide to return the thing no matter what--- you'll go to the post office and find a line at least 20 minutes long.

***Wave reader Brian King says there should be some kind of investigation why you can go incognito but not cognito.

***Some Boyle-ing Points fan sent in a magazine ad listing famous writers who suffered from mental illness (Hemingway, Tolstoy, Virginia Woolf, Eugene O'Neil, et al.). "Note the number of great writers," the fan wrote. "Perhaps inferior writers have nothing to fear. The Wave writers should have nothing to fear)."

I think that was an insult. Look, I admit Bernie Blum, for instance, is an acquired taste but that was a below-the-belt shot. Still, it's good to know we at The Wave are all probably safe from the ravages of mental illnesses. Now would someone please check on the person who cut out this magazine ad, circled the names of writers, wrote a note at the bottom, and took the time to get an envelope and stamp and send this to The Wave? The return address was NOT Beach 116th street.

***Dame Edna, the cross-dressing phenomenon from across the pond, is a semi-regular now on Ally McBeal. Fox TV's gain---figure skating's loss.

***On Sunday, Kevin Fitzgerald's b-ball team at Boston University will play U of Maine, the winner going to the NCAA. Fitzy, a Belle Harbor boy, delivered the pass that set up the game winner in an upset over Hartford last week. Let's hope BU wins---it's been too long since Rockaway had a local in March Madness.

***Clare Droesch, the Boston College phenom, was a unanimous selection to the Big East All-Rookie team. Just a frosh, Clare was the second leading scorer for this Top 20 team. She's awesome.

***The Graybeards showed they still have some marbles left. At the St. Patrick's Day Parade, they were smart enough to march with women and kids and Monsignor Geraghty. Nary a tomato was tossed; not a heckle was heard.

***Speaking of the Graybeards…they're trying to get the world famous Harlem Wizards to come to Rockaway. It looks like they might appear April 27 at St. Francis----stay tuned for details---it'll be a hot ticket, for sure.

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