2001-12-29 / Columnists

From the G-Man

By Gary G. Toms
The 2001 ‘Jacky’ Award Winners

Hey people! It’s been a long time since I handed out my Golden Jackass Awards, better known as "The Jackys", and with the year coming to an end, I think now would be a good time to make some presentations. So, it gives me great pleasure to announce the winners in the following categories.

The "Po’ White Trash Award" goes to Lizzie Grubman. Remember her? She was responsible for backing up her SUV into a crowd at a nightclub after a confrontation with a bouncer who would not allow her access to the club. She reportedly referred to him as "poor white trash" before storming off and jumping into the SUV. Many people at the club stated that Grubman was drunk, but all of her filthy-rich friends lied by claiming that she was not and even went as far as to whisk her away from the scene before the police arrived. Whatever the case, the bottom line is this woman was definitely trashed when she got behind the wheel, and there is no excuse for that. If it were you or I, the situation would be totally different. The outcome could have been far worse for the patrons, and her money, power and influence should not exclude her from doing serious time in jail, but this will not happen. She will get a slap on the wrist, probation and community service. Anybody want to take bets on that?

The "Don’t You Learn Award" goes to Robert Downey, Jr. Okay let me get this straight. You’re handsome, rich, intelligent, you land a job on one of the highest rated programs on the Fox Network, you have babes galore, you’re given more chances than O.J. to clean up your act, but you keep snorting coke and shooting heroin? Sorry pal, but I don’t have sympathy for anyone who is given so many chances, especially if they have gone through rehab and walked out. Like Darryl Strawberry, this is a sad tale. I was going to present the award to Strawberry originally, but the fact that he has managed to stay out of the headlines was the determining factor in who the prize would go to. For all of the people who know and love him, I hope Robbie D. will get it together one day.

The "Three Card Monte Award" goes to all the morons at the Florida Board of Elections, Katherine Harris in particular, for the ridiculous way in which the votes were handled during the 2000 Presidential election. Boy, they really pulled one off here folks. I know people are going to say, "Let it go G-man," and to be honest, I have to a certain extent. However, no one can deny the fact that the country was taken through some serious "B.S." by having to watch people determine what was a dimpled, pregnant, or hanging chad. The whole thing was laughable, and it is only now that the country is considering revamping the voting system. Well, it just goes to show that those who claimed nothing funny took place in Florida were wrong. If this was not the case, then why is the government attempting to spend millions on fixing the voting system? The system was outdated long before the Florida elections; so to say they are revamping it because it’s outdated is ludicrous.

The "We Have No Class Award" goes to two recipients this year. The first recipient is the fans of the Arizona Diamondbacks. In the seventh game of the World Series, against the New York Yankees, they cheered loudly when Derek Jeter fell after trying to field a poorly thrown relay from Mariano Rivera to second base. He could not get up after the throw, and he was obviously in great pain. The fans got louder and louder as Jeter tried in vain to get to his feet. Let me tell you something. That crap would not have happened in Yankee Stadium. New Yorkers would have had a lot more class than that, especially under the circumstances of September 11. What a bunch of weasels!

The second recipient is the fans of the sorry Cleveland Browns, who three weeks ago pelted the referees with bottles after a controversial call. There is absolutely no place for this in any sport and at any level. We were wrong when we did it at Giant Stadium, in the great snowball-throwing incident, and they were wrong in Cleveland. I say we line up the fans of both teams and pelt them with Jackys at Shea or Yankee Stadium and see how they’d like it.

The "Life Imitating Art Award" goes to every hip-hop star that got busted by police for doing something stupid. These are the ones who took their roles as "true gangstas" a little too seriously and lost it all or came close to it. Guys, getting busted is not keeping it real by any stretch of the imagination. There are so many kids who look up to you and want to be you. Some of you have kids of your own, and it’s not good for you or them when daddy is plastered on the front page for assault or attempted murder. For the sake of the communities, and the hip-hop industry, get it together.

The final award of the evening, the "You Need A Beat Down Award" goes to none other than Osama Bin Laden. What this thing, I can’t call him a man, has done to this country and to the world is reprehensible. It would not be an overstatement to call him the Anti-Christ. He may well be responsible for initiating World War III, and many fear this will be the final chapter in the saga that has become the war on terrorism. This fool needs to be beaten senseless with a pair of jumper cables with bowling balls attached at both ends. He makes me sick, and those who have corrupted the Muslim religion make me sick as well. I pray that the coming year will usher in peace and safety for those across the globe. Happy New Year to you all.

See you next week!


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