2001-06-09 / Columnists

From the G-Man by Gary G. Toms Bubba Gets The Last Laugh

Hey people--I imagine that former President Bill Clinton has been laughing himself silly over the escapades of some rival Republicans in the last few weeks. I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if he even took a moment to celebrate these "revelations" with a fine Cuban cigar. Oh! What am I going to do with you people? Get your minds out of the gutter!

You know as well as I do that the Republicans, along with a few Democrats, dogged Bill Clinton about his lack of values and moral judgment when he held office. While I can easily place this size ten shoe up a few Democratic butts, I’m taking aim at the Republicans because they are the ones who were throwing all the stones, and I’m about to shatter their glass houses.

I’m going to get started, but give me a few seconds. Talk amongst yourselves until I get back. I’ll give you a topic. Were the dynamic 70’s icons, Starsky and Hutch, detectives or lovers? Discuss. Okay, I’m back. I just had to go and get myself a big bowl of "Fruity Peebles". Now I’m good to go! Get ready because I’m going to ride the party of Lincoln like a supped-up Harley.

The Republicans have looked really, really stupid recently. For years they have ripped Bad Boy Bill to no end, and now they find themselves in the position of having to shut the hell up because some members of the party have gotten caught up in situations where their character and values have been called into question.

Let’s start with the Mayor, or "Julie" as I like to call him. He was the first person to slam Clinton about family values, and look at what this fool has done. He calls a press conference announcing that he is divorcing his wife, but he never bothered to tell her he wanted a divorce! Can you say...duh!

After this debacle, he had the nerve to label artists as morally deficient because of controversial interpretations of religious figures. Dude, you want to know what morally deficient is? It’s when you allow your girlfriend to creep in the backdoor of Gracie Mansion, repeatedly, while your wife is reading bedtime stories and serving hot cocoa with the marshmallows on top to your unsuspecting children.

He even had the nerve to get upset when the First Lady had her banned from the mansion! Yeah, here’s a real fine example of family values at work. He doesn’t even have consideration for his kids. Sock it to him Donna, and if you see that tramp trying to creep into the mansion, don’t be afraid to get buck wild on her because she deserves it. I’m laying ten to one odds that you can kick her scrawny butt. Just make sure you put some Vaseline on your face.

Next, we have the lovely Bush twins, who I affectionately named "The Tele-Tubbies". Their names are Pinky and Drinky Winky, and I love them. I love them because they proved that every family has some degree of dysfunction in it, no matter how prestigious. Again, here is a case where a Republican, "Dubya", preached about how he would reinstate the moral fabric of our nation, and his daughters are busted for underage drinking. The writers for "All My Children" couldn’t write anything this good.

I laughed until it hurt when this story broke. Why? I laughed because everyone knows that Bush is one fry short of a Happy Meal, but his Secret Service guys must really be morons. Aren’t they close enough to the members of the family to prevent them from situations like this? Why were these girls allowed in a bar in the first place? Something doesn’t smell right, and it’s not the Johnny Walker Blue Label scotch either.

The dopey Republicans, like Rush Limbaugh, try to offer up these flimsy excuses as to how Bush’s daughters got caught in this web. I’ll tell you how it happened. It happened because they probably saw Daddy tie one on a few times, and it was probably dismissed by family members. They know he got busted for driving under the influence, and that was dismissed as well. He never was honest about his drug use, so what you end up with is two girls breaking the rules because Daddy got away with it. The fact that Daddy-O is the President of the United States pretty much guarantees that they will be given special treatment when necessary, and they know this.

Last, but certainly not least, we have Jeb Bush, Governor of Florida. This guy has got all kinds of reporters out there digging for information about an alleged affair he had with a hot, sexy Playboy centerfold. He staunchly denied the allegations, but people are waiting in the wings to come forward with information. They’re just waiting for the right price to be offered. Between you and me, Jeb Bush looks like he would thoroughly enjoy getting his freak on.

So, Bill, you just stay out of the limelight for a while. You have proven that you can always snatch up the headlines whenever you want to. Sit back, smile and take a long hard drag on that Cuban cigar when you see these jackasses trying to defend themselves on television. Just don’t inhale.

See you next week!

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