2000-11-11 / Columnists

From the G-Man by Gary G. Toms Something for the Good Guys

From the G-Man by Gary G. Toms
Something for the Good Guys

Hey people! There are so many women who complain that all of the good men are either married or gay. Women also tend to categorize men as a power hungry, self absorbed, money obsessed, physically abusive and sexually driven species. In some cases, this is indeed true, but there are many men who live in contrast to these stereotypes, and this column is dedicated to them.

While much is made of the fact that women suffer all types of abuse from men, so many good men, with compassionate and loving hearts, have had their lives turned upside down because of the actions of their wife, girlfriend or significant other. Unfortunately, their stories often go untold. I would like to share of few of them with you "Gene", 35, is a respected, and decorated, member of the NYPD. He was involved in a fourteen-year relationship, and after graduating from the police academy, he married

his long time love. During the course of the relationship, he helped to raise her two children, and he purchased a house in order to complete his goal of becoming a husband, father and provider. He saved money for the children’s future, and he was paying for his wife’s continuing education. He came home from work one night, and she told him that she was in love with someone younger and wanted a divorce.

"I was totally devastated. I loved this woman, and she made me feel as though we had the perfect relationship. We had great communication, and I believed we would be married

for fifty years or more. It’s been five years now, and I still carry a lot of pain over what happened. My relationship with the children has suffered as well, and I am very upset about that. I have moved on with my life, but I don’t feel that I can totally trust another woman with my heart, and that makes me very angry. She’s sent me cards and letters apologizing for what happened, and her family has been very supportive toward me, but for the rest of my life, I’ll be asking myself why this happened. It’s changed me forever.", states "Gene".

"Ted", 29, a physical therapist, was engaged to a woman, with three children, who was able to escape the clutches of her physically abusive ex-husband. Like "Gene", he managed to provide a loving and warm environment for her and the children. He even had several confrontations with her ex-husband, but he never left her side. He states, "My goal was to show her that she could be respected and loved for who she was, and that not all men were like her ex-husband. I introduced her to Broadway theatre, the opera, the Yankees and long walks in the park. I was ecstatic when she agreed to marry me. I never imagined, in my wildest dreams, that she would end up going back to him. She claimed that she was doing it for the kids, but I was never able to accept that.

As far as I know, he is still abusing her to this day. I hate that, and I hate the fact that something I believed in so strongly appeared to be a momentary thing. It hurts. It really hurts."

In letters from "Jim", "Russell" and "Raul", they described how they had been in long term relationships, but when they experienced financial hardships, due to the inability to find

employment in their professions, their relationships came to an abrupt end. "Raul" states, "I was with this woman for eight years, and we had a great relationship. She had a son that I adopted as my own. I didn’t hang with the boys on the weekend. I was always home. I cooked, cleaned and did the laundry. I felt this was the least I could do to help her, since I was not working at the time, and I felt good doing them.

I made valiant efforts to find work, and I was even willing to take positions that paid far less than what a person with a Master’s degree should make. Unfortunately, many employers felt that I was overqualified for these positions. I pleaded with her to hold on to the relationship, and I tried to convince her that things would get better.

In the end, she stopped believing in me, and she wanted out of the relationship. I later found out that her ex-husband refused to work during their 10 years of marriage, and she basically supported them. I guess she thought the same would happen with me, and that truly hurts. I thought that as long as we had each other, that would be enough to get us through. Apparently, she thought otherwise."

The bottom line is that there are good guys out there, and they are looking for loving, nurturing and committed relationships just as much as women are. However, as in the case of many women, they must battle the "ghosts" that exist from previous relationships, and this makes it difficult for them to obtain, and maintain, a healthy and stable relationship.

Personally, I think it’s a damn shame that the men described in this piece suffered the outcomes that they did. Based on their accounts, and testimonials from family and friends, they were exceptional men who were trying to do the right thing.

All they wanted was to love and be loved. In some cases, they were more than willing to provide love and guidance to children that were not biologically theirs. In this day and age, that speaks volumes!

Yes, there are heartless men out there, but there are also those who believe in having good, monogamous relationships, and they will fight to maintain them. They should be acknowledged, appreciated and respected because contrary to popular belief, all men are not the same.

See you next week!

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