2000-09-02 / Columnists

Boyle-ing Points: We All Surrender But Lew Survives

By Kevin Boyle

Ok? Ready for the sequel to the story about Thomas Edison’s talking dog? That’s an inside joke to the many readers I confused the last time I visited this spot and tried to write above the third grade level. Some readers were more than confused; some got more than irritated---some got downright physical. A couple of graduates of janitor school, Steve Stathis and Richie Ryan, took me behind the shack in the St. Francis schoolyard and beat the tar out of me. As I was losing consciousness I think I heard them say, it was embarrassing when they had to ask their wives to read the column to them. (Having the wife read the column never seems to bother Tommy Carroll).

Anyway, I’ll try not to be so highfalutin again (that’s why I’ve included photos with the column).

The exclusive photos, by the way, were smuggled off the island by CBS publicist and Far Rockaway resident, Norman Silverman.

Although it was widely reported that CBS did a wonderful job keeping the name of the million dollar winner from the "Survivor" show a secret, it’s even more amazing that no one has figured out that Richard Hatch and Lew Simon are one in the same.

Have you ever seen them on the same island or the same room at the same time?

Say what you will about the guy, but Lew survives. He’s been flayed and filleted; he’s been hissed and dissed; he’s been a Howie Schwach pincushion and a Thanksgiving Turkey in some other column. He’s sidestepped a diploma scandal, a few other close calls, and taken credit for things he had nothing to do with but he forged enough alliances along the way to survive.

So Lew, how will you spend the million dollars?

** I’m not necessarily rooting for more human casualties but I hope those mosquitoes carrying the West Nile virus knock off a few more crows---like the ones who’ve been waking me at 5:30 in the morning. These things aren’t just crows they’re like bar bouncers or adult penguins without the tuxedo. Are these monsters setting up just outside my window or are they a Rockaway menace? I better call Lew to see he can help me.

I hope a few more crows croak and then I hope somebody discovers that the piping plovers are actually giving the virus to mosquitoes.

By the way, please don’t call or write to The Wave about my utter disregard for human life or making light of tragedy. Automobiles kill a lot more people and nobody ever complains about Mister Magoo.

**I haven’t decided between Al Gore and George Bush but you gotta believe Gore will give the birds all the beach they want. And Bush? Well, Bush, he’ll have one word for the tiny birds: barbecue!

**R.I.P. to the Concorde. The cigarette boat of the sky. If you’ve seen the jet nearly scrape the roofs of the buildings on the boardwalk you know it’s a miracle that tragedy didn’t happen here.

**The Golden Venture, as many of you know, was sunk off the coast of Florida to be used as a reef. The Wave and Howie opined that Rockaway lost an opportunity, that we should have made it a floating museum.

Chuckle, chuckle, chuckle. The question is, how did we avoid getting that piece of crap dumped on us? Oh yeah, it would’ve been great to have the rusting, hulking relic. We could’ve dry-docked next to Whaleamena or docked it across from the courthouse.

It’s part of Rockaway history, they say. Yeah, and so is the medical waste that washes up every couple of years.

**If you’re interested, I think you’ll find my fingerprints on this week’s Beachcomber. So when you make your complaints keep that in mind.

Speaking of the Beachcomber, it was in that column last week where it was announced that some of the editorial work would be left "in the ample hands of Kevin Boyle." Ample hands? When they start telling you even your hands are fat it’s time to push away from the dessert table. I used to have able hands.

**Many readers have expressed to me their admiration for the work of basketball scribe and sometimes social commentator, John Ronayne.

He deserves all the plaudits but deserves a ba-da-bing to the back of the head for an omission in last week’s column in which he listed the ten greatest basketball movies of all-time.

Was it an unforgivable oversight or simple snobbery that caused Mr. Ronayne to make a list without mentioning that roundball classic, "The Fish Who Saved Pittsburgh." ???

This marvel of moviemaking was about a hopeless team who works with an astrologer to become winners. On most lists, it follows Citizen Kane and Casablanca as Hollywood’s best (But not good enough for the snooty Ronayne apparently).

Doctor J and Meadowlark Lemon turn in boffo performances, and Flip Wilson leaves his mark on the film as female impersonator---a role that apparently influenced Bernard King and the underwear buying habits of a couple other NBA players.

Though not basketball movies, I think Ronayne should’ve given mention to the hoops scene in a couple other classics. Anybody who’s seen The Great Santini (if you haven’t, you should) will never forget the backyard basketball scene with Robert Duvall and Michael O’Keefe.

And, of course, there was Lou Costello shakin’ and bakin in "Here Come the Co-eds." As a flick it hardly matched "Abbott and Costello meet Frankenstein" or "Buck Privates" but its hoops scene earns it an extra star.

And I still watch Michael J. Fox when he dominates the court in Teen Wolf.

Of course, the movie you’d really want to see---though it never had a general release---is the highlight film of Dan Edwards. His shotmaking is surreal; his moves are unearthly. If you get past the soundtrack provided by Bugsy Goldberg, which is a bit out of whack, you’re in for a real treat. Copies are available at Rockaway Video.

**Longtime Boyle-ing Point fans often inquire about my mother. Well, I can tell you the world’s a safer place these days. We convinced the Boyle matriarch to go parasailing this summer---which she did with aplomb. But then we refused to reel her in until she signed an affidavit that she’d never cook pork chops again.

**Thespian and health guru to the stars, David Roya sent everyone he knows the following email:

My cholesterol is 108, my tryglycerides (the amount of fat floating in the bloodstream) are the lowest he's ever seen, my bladder, prostate, heart, blood pressure and muscles are that of a 20 year old. Hey, it’s not that I’m special, it’s that I exercise for 3+hrs. a day and eat only raw fruit, raw vegetables, raw nuts and cooked fish and soybeans everyday eschewing such popular fare as bread, pasta, rice, sweets, etc. while other people choose having a life instead. I on the other hand, choose gurudom.

And I’m sure he’s a lot of fun to hang out with.

**They’ve not gotten nearly the ink they deserve: Local boys, Kevin Fitzgerald and Tom Greene who attended St. Francis DeSales and later St. Francis Prep had great high school sports careers and will look to continue on the collegiate level. Fitzy made his share of all-star hoop teams and is on his way to Boston University. Tommy’s earned All-Queens honors playing hardball. He’ll be at Albany from here on.

**Congressman Anthony Weiner certainly deserves another term. We can’t blame that pipedream, the Riis Park pool, on him. That’s a Chuck Schumer promise. And no matter what our position on the Doppler is, he inherited that one from the Chuckster as well. Weiner’s a bright guy who tries like hell for his constituents. And yes, I speak from personal experience. As for Weiner’s opponent, put it this way, if Noach Dear went swimming down here it would look like the Exxon Valdez had sprung a leak again.


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