2000-07-22 / Columnists

From The G-Man..by Gary Toms

From The G-Man

Time To Give Out Some ‘Jackys’

Hey people! I recently learned of the passing of an avid reader of my column. I really didn’t know this person, but it was revealed that he purchased this publication because of the things I wrote about and the manner in which I wrote them. He called me a fighter, a rebel and a man with a mission. He really loved my concept for The Golden Jackass Awards, commonly referred to as "The Jackys", and he believed that I should tell the people who didn’t like it to go to "blazes". My kind of guy! May you rest in peace my friend, and I hope you laugh yourself silly up in heaven, as I hand out the following.

The "Oops! My Bad!" Award – Goes to those geniuses at the DOT for not covering that enormous pothole on Beach 76 street up to this point. You can expect a repair bill from me in the near future. I’d like to dig a pothole right in your you know where. Get on the ball before someone really gets hurt!

The "Phantom Project" Award – Goes to the people behind the Technodome idea. Are you going to build this thing or what? You’d better hurry up if you are because with all of the dead bodies being dumped along Rockaway, you may not have any space left to build on. You remember what happened in the movie "Poltergeist", right? They definitely had the right name for this project. Tech…NO DOME!

The "I’ll Get Back To You" Award – Goes to all of the local politicians who seem to have a problem corresponding with their constituents in a timely fashion. Look people, put the cheeseburger down, wipe the grease from your chin, release the hold button and take some calls. If you happen to be in Albany, stop chasing those sexy interns, scheduling golf games with other "pollys" and pick up a phone or pen. By the way, you may even want to try this new "thingy" called the Internet. I’ve used it several times to try and reach you, and it’s really good. Rumor has it that your boy Al Gore invented it, so look into it.

The "What The Hell?" Award – Goes to the folks that decided $600,000 should be given to Columbia University for a study of how to make the Far Rockaway economy better. Hello? What makes you think that the business community wouldn’t know what’s best for the area? Listen, we’re tired of smelling all of this grant money and not being able to touch and feel it. It’s like giving me an Oreo and you keep the creamy middle. What’s the hell is the point?

The "I Told You So" Award – Goes to the Giuliani administration, and the DEP, for finally admitting that the spray used to combat the West Nile Virus was indeed dangerous. I wrote a column about what was going to happen, a year ago, and it came to pass. So if you’re walking down the street and you notice you have two extra arms, you’ll know why. If your pet Chihuahua grows to the size of a Saint Bernard, you’ll know why. If the local politicians begin to dump huge sums of money into Far Rockaway, you’ll know why. I think the first two incidents have a better chance of happening.

The "Fogettaboutit!" Award – Goes to the New York Knicks, for thinking they could ever win a NBA Championship. I’ve seen slugs move with more enthusiasm! How many times can you go to "RoboPat"? This guy’s probably been iced up on body parts I don’t even want to think of. He’s got bandages on top of bandages. Every time he runs down the court, I say to myself, "Bill Bradley could probably run this guy down off the dribble!" Sorry Knick fans, but I look at Ewing and replay the intro of "The Six Million Dollar Man" in my mind every time. "We can rebuild him, we have the technology." I like the man, but I think he’s too injury-ridden to continue playing. The team, overall, has problems, but Ewing has to be given serious evaluation if they ever plan to win a title.

The "I’m So Pathetic" Award – Goes to all of the network executives who are behind such shows as "Survivor" and "Big Brother". They believe that your lives are so empty that they have to resort to these demented tactics and call it entertainment. How many of them would like to have a camera in their face, or up their butt, every waking moment recording everything? I can assure you that none of them would. Nobody watches these shows to see who’s going to fight over the grocery bill. They want to see some type of sex! I don’t know about you, but if I’m about to "get busy", I don’t want to hear some voice in the background saying, "A little more to the left." Some things should remain private. I’ve got two words for these types of shows. Who cares!

The "Biased Coverage" Award – Goes to the morons at ESPN for a feature they did on Boston Red Sox’s outfielder Carl Everett. The feature started out praising his accomplishments in major league baseball, and it quickly turned into a 15-minute piece about his brushes with the law, non-payment of child support and child abuse. Afterwards, it was difficult to determine if ESPN was trying to do a positive feature on Everett or degrade him to the highest level. Then I realized that not too long ago, they did features on Wade Boggs and Steve Garvey. Not once did they mention anything negative about these guys, and die-hard baseball fans know about the torrid background of these two. Shame on you ESPN! You should know better than that.

The "KMA" Award – Goes to the Parks Department for dissing the local merchants with that crappy crafts gig they had on the boardwalk. The letter from local businessman John Baxter, in last weeks’ edition, made some crucial points. Area merchants struggle to survive all year long, and when their busiest season rolls around, you pull the rug right from under their feet. As far as I’m concerned, the department practically told the local merchants "KMA". I think you can figure out what that stands for, and if not, the first word is kiss.

Let’s have a nice round of applause for all of our winners.

I’m at

Mapel2000@aol.com. Take care, and I’ll see you next week!

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