2000-06-17 / Sports

Graybeard Hoops

Blowouts And Blowhards Dominate Action

By King Slammajammer

Game one featured the Redhots against the Green Fungus:  Ugly games get little ink.  The lowlight of Red's blowout win had to be when six of the 10 players on the court were all, literally, on the court. Only Kevin Judge had the sense of propriety to limp off and watch the onslaught from the safety of the bench. His Green mate Farmer McCann appeared to suffer from self-inflicted injuries, and the rest of the Fungus Amongus were content to watch Dan Leary drain his standard array.  Meanwhile, with Judge and Farmer out, and with Joe Kenel---also known as Joe Camel because he’s got two humps full of water which he spills every game---offering little resistance, Billy Collins had a field day. Red improved to 3-1 with the win.

In Game two, the Purple Hearts sunk the Dark Blue Navy and Captain Happy Jack.  Happy chartered a smooth sailing course for himself in busting out of a season-long doldrums with 26 points. When told he was game high scorer, Jack cursed politely at the good news. The better news was that his crew didn't mutiny, and in fact put out a pretty good effort.  Navy's best defense came from the old aircraft carrier himself, the USS Whopper.  At last count Bill Armstrong swatted a baker's dozen of Purples efforts and he altered who knows how many others. During a time-out the Purple Nurples decided to stop going straight at the human eraser and to try their luck at going around him.  Right.  You don’t just go around the Whopper, you circumnavigate the big fella. Which is tiring stuff.

The Purple Hearts soon enough realized that the better part of valor was to shoot jumpers and conserve their energy for the rest of the season.

Laser Lou Pastina, although not the architect of this strategy, perfected it.  And to make sure that Whopper couldn't rotate out to the perimeter to block his shot, Laser wisely let it fly the moment the ball touched his hands.  The no-nothings who gasped at the sight were quickly converted. This shrewd piece of basketball wizardry wove his magic time and again, successfully launching shot after shot after shot and never getting stuffed.  In such awe were his opponents that it seemed as though they were content just watching the unnerving display.  Some thought they may have even encouraged Laser to "go for it", all in the spirit of sport. During a post game gloat everyone was reminded that "Armstrong ain't swattin' the Laser, baby." It was the first time Lou had ever spoken about himself in the third person and marked his arrival as a media darling.  He's one spunky optimist in search of one good optometrist, that’s what this guy is alright.

In Game three Light Blue McCools faced the White Castles. The best kept early season secret is now officially out of the bag McCool and the Gang, thought to be hurtin’ for certain by the open-ended absence of Spree Boyle (groin) have shown they can win without the human Second Amendment---the guy who always wanted to play in the NRA. With Boyle’s gun on the mantle, league followers are trying to put their collective finger on just what this team is doing right. Most people think it comes down to their defense, and of course the Bugsy-led Kumbaya sessions.

After jumping into a 12-point hole in the opening minutes it looked like garbage time would come real early.  But The Gang dug in their heels and halved the lead by halftime. Their was no letting up in the second half on either end of the floor as McCool and the Gang pulled away faster than a bunch of college kids on a bun and run, a dine and dash, an eat it and beat it, a chew and screw (see the Floridian and the Ram’s Head for more).  The second stanza blowout was accomplished by Blue's trademarks: strong dee, few turnovers, terrific foul-shooting (16 of 19 in the second half).  Even though the season is less than half-baked, these guys have the ingredients to do some serious cooking. And for you sadists out there in Graybeard land: We hate to disappoint but Dan Conlon didn’t choke this week.

The White Castles are an enigma wrapped in a box and stuffed in a sack. Unlike the colon-blow that every man on a mission has wolfed down at 5 a.m., these White Castles are made with some quality stuff.  Leaper Howley, Legend Ippelito, Bombing Bobby Bruns---these guys can light it up.  The behind the scenes skinny is focusing on Jughead McCormack’s disappearing act. The only stand out thing about his game so far has been his proud, dark mane. Hey Jug---- yell a little bit and take your shot.  That’s your game and you know it.  In fact, yell as much as you want because the tech chest is wearing down.

RIM SHOTS: A case equals 24 cans.  A 30 pack does not equal 2 cases.  Do we understand one another, (Cannon)?

The results of last week's poll are in: 40 percent think that  Jack Meade looks like Larry Bird, 59 percent think he looks like Le Grande Orange, Rusty Staub. The other one percent said Ross Perot on steroids.

Due to poor pom-pom girl attendance the league is outsourcing for its cheerleaders.  Shannon Tweed, Julia of Mr. Rocco's, and the Juggies from the Man Show are all being looked at.

We couldn’t understand the fuss about the new Bruce Springsteen song, "41 shots." It wasn’t about Amadou Diallo it was about how many shots Louie Pastina typically takes.

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