The Oriole Report
By Theo Baxter
The 0-6 Connolly’s Orioles took the field versus the Healy’s Round Balls this past weekend in search of their first victory of the millennium. The Birds had never beaten the Balls at softball in their long history of battles, so another lost weekend seemed in the cards. On top of that, team captain Denny Mack ("New Guy’s cousin") was unavailable to play. But facing all those obstacles proved no challenge, as the Orioles won the first game of the doubleheader, 8-3.
After holding Healy’s to a scoreless top of the first inning, the O’s quickly loaded the bases with no one out in the bottom half of the inning. Big sac flies by Bill Dough and DJ Teddy put the Birds in front, 2-0. The Balls cut the lead in half in the next frame, but Dr. Riota’s RBI single in the bottom of the second made the score 3-1. The score held until the top of the fifth, when the Round ones tied up the game. But then came the big offensive explosion for which the Orioles were once world famous. Trooper, New Guy, B.K., Rich the Bartender, and Rich the Cop all had a RBI each, and the team went up by five runs. Legendary Hunter Mountain D.J. and the greatest pitcher in Oriole history, DJ Teddy, held the Round Balls in check over the last two innings to give the Birds the 8-3 victory, their first of the season.
The second game was another defensive struggle. However, the Orioles managed to carve out a 2-0 lead with a pair of RBI singles by Bill Dough. But in the bottom of the fifth, the Balls scored three runs due to some shaky defense on the part of the Orioles. The 3-2 lead held up, and dropped the Orioles’ record to 1-7. The team hopes to improve that record this weekend, but face a tough challenge in the Grassy’s Muggers. The Birds fly over to Broad Channel to face the defending league champions this Sunday, starting at 10 a.m. The postgame drink-up of the $120 keg will be held at Grassy’s (the Orioles third trip there this season).
News & Notes:
The postgame drink-up at Connolly’s featured most team members of both the Orioles and Round Balls. Unfortunately, missing on the day was former Oriole BC Pubs. After walking out on the team on opening day to join the Balls, some Orioles hoped to get revenge on him on the field. "I hope to get revenge on him on the field," said Fun Bobby before the games, not knowing Carlton was MIA. Engaged and enraged Bobby then took his wrath out on the pitching with three big hits on the day. He then challenged- and beat- all those who dared to shoot darts against him. Beware Fun Bobby! The Rooster was making phone calls all over the peninsula on Monday, trying to track the source of the rumors that blamed the game two defeat on his shaky defense. He admitted to making a bad defensive play here and there, but pointed out that with his new bat (named "Thunder") he was smoking, going 4-5 with a walk on the day. Rooster-O promises to bring his Thunder Bat each and every weekend, and all those who oppose him- Chope, camels, people who don’t shake- will feel his power… Congratulations to the division four Raintower Team Short Bus who wrapped up first place this past Wednesday. Captain Sac and his boys went 13-1 on the year, and hope to do some damage in the playoffs. "We hope to do some damage in the playoffs," said the Sac.
"Boos of the Week" (not to be confused with an old Oriole Report segment entitled "Booze of the Week." These are the people who get thumbs down from us, and the reasons why)…
-John Rocker- For not pitching well. You can be a moron, a racist, a drug addict, a bigamist, or even an accomplice to murder (see Ray Lewis) and keep your pro sports job. But once you can’t get that 100 mph hour fastball over the plate anymore, you’re minor league bound.
-John Rocker- For verbally threatening that scrawny little reporter from Sports Illustrated. Us scrawny reporters have to stick together!
-My mailman- Not only did my Sports Illustrated come late this week; it was pretty crumpled up. Coincidentally, teen vixen (and occasional tennis player) Anna Kournokova graced the cover.
-The Knicks- There is nothing more annoying than when a team loses four of six games, and claims that they are the "better team." Um, no, you’re obviously not. But keep clogging the middle and demanding the ball, Patrick; that should turn things around.
-The sun- My girlfriend got so burnt she still won’t let me near her. Meanwhile my forehead is peeling. All this results from three hours on the beach last Saturday. From now on, I’m just going to sit in the basement and go online during daytime hours.
On a serious note, a "good job" goes out to all those who went to the Tavern on the Bay this past Sunday for the Keane fundraiser. And for those who were unable to go, most of the local pubs, including Connolly’s, have jars behind the bar where you can make a contribution.