The Oriole Report
By Theo Baxter
The Orioles’ season got off to an inauspicious start this past Sunday, as the team dropped both games of their doubleheader to the Assassins, 11-0 and 12-0. But the scores don’t tell the whole story. The "Orange and Black Attack," as the ladies refer to them, combined for only four hits on the day, and didn’t perform much better in the field. Even the post-game drink-up, usually the team’s strongest area, was pathetic as only three or four Birds were seen imbibing at Grassy’s. Things don’t look to get any better this Sunday, when the O’s take on the red-hot Rockies. The games start at 12:30 in Broad Channel.
No-Shows: The newest feature of the Oriole Report is "No-Shows," where a list of the previous Sunday’s absentee Birds will be printed, along with their excuses. Here’s the casualty list for week one - Bill Dough (considers hockey more important than softball); DJ Teddy (MIA); Trooper and Dr. Riota (bachelor party victims); B.K. (his mommy wouldn’t drive him to the field); Sully (as of press time, he and his car were lost somewhere in Rockland County).
Another player who did not show in his Oriole orange was BC Pubs. Although he swore to be there only six hours before, Carlton was not at the field at 10 a.m. However, he did manage to show up three hours after that, and suited up for the Healy’s Round Balls. Inside sources say the Orioles aren’t really that upset, since there was no room for BC anyway. Good riddance to bad rubbish….
One other former Bird had a tough time of it on Sunday. Former captain Chope picked up a loss in his first-ever-pitching appearance for the Mudsharks. The Samurai didn’t help himself at the plate either, striking out and grounding back to the pitcher a few times….
Fun Bobby was one of the few bright spots for the Orioles on Sunday. In addition to having half of the team’s hits at the games, the Boy Wonder beat off all comers at darts, pool and horseshoes back at Grassy’s. Then he took his skills over to Healy’s, and pitched six shutout innings in Wiffle Ball competition against several Round Balls (including Benedict Arnold Carlton). But there is bad news for the lady fans of this Renaissance Man- Keating got engaged this past millennium eve, and will be married in June 2001. Sorry girls!
Ross Owen wants his teammates to know that he has purchased a shiny new cooler, and will bring it to every game packed with ice. There are two rules to using it - BYOB (Bring Your Own Beverages) and BRSB (Bring Ross Some Beverages)….
The position of most dads on the Million Mom March- laying on the couch, watching TV…
One last softball note - teams were really charged $120 for kegs once again this week…
For all the news and advice that you want on softball, women, current events, beer, and midget parties, check back here next week…