1999-10-23 / Columnists

From The G-Man

By Gary Toms

Hey people! I guess you can tell from the title that’s it’s that time again. Yes, my friends, once again someone has managed to take stupid to a new level, and it is important that they be recognized for their accomplishments. Once again, for those readers who may be new to this column, The Golden Jackass Award, the "Jacky" for short, is awarded to those whose actions defy logic and reason. The categories for this installment are as follows:

"The Dumbest Comment Award" goes to a member of Community School Board District 27. I’ll save him further embarrassment by not mentioning his name. This person had some rather disrespectful comments towards yours truly when speaking to a close friend of mine. In short, it was stated that I would not be welcomed at any events honoring the "Rockaway elite" because I’m too controversial and vocal. I think the word flamboyant was part of the terminology used to describe me as well. Hey pal, I’ve got news for you. I could care less about being around a bunch of snobs who trade stories about how great they are. I could care less about some award either. Let’s face it. I speak my mind and call people out for screwing up. I’m the last guy on anybody’s’ party list, if you know what I mean. If you’re likely to tell the host, "This cheese dip sucks!," chances are you will not be getting many invitations. I’m just fine with that. I’d rather get a can of peas, and a Hallmark card, from the readers of this column, than some award from a bunch of people who pick favorites who cater to them and their ideologies. So, a big "heee haaaaw" to you buddy!

"The Stupid Bystander Award" goes to a woman who tried to get me involved in an argument, while I was assisting an old woman who had been struck by a car in Far Rockaway. Since I have some background in pre-med and EMT training, I went to see if I could help. I sat alongside her, on the ground, and I began to ask her a series of questions as well as console her. I did not move her in any way, and all of sudden some Jabba the Hut looking woman screams out, "You shouldn’t be moving her!" I ignored her, but she kept on and on and on. When I reached my boiling point, I informed her of my training. She then stated, "I don’t care what you know. I’m a nurse, and you don’t move her." After pondering the situation, my response was, "If you’re a nurse, then you are far more qualified to assist this woman than I am. Why aren’t you down here with her?" She didn’t utter a word after that. So, "Nurse Big Mouth" gets a special "Jacky". It’s a jackass on crutches!

"Jackass of the Month" honors go to Al (I invented the internet) Gore. Hey Al, pick a character....any character. How many phases and/or changes is this guy going to go through? This whole act is so transparent, and we still have over a year to go with this madness. I expect him to start sporting hip-hop gear and announce Queen Latifah as his running mate soon. Talk about sucking up! Dude, just address the issues, and let the chips fall where they may. Stop insulting the voters’ intelligence.

The "You Need to be Slapped Silly" honor goes to the members of the Ku Klux Klan who plan to march this weekend in Manhattan. Now let me get this straight. There will probably be a total of six of you, and there will be anti-demonstrators in the hundreds. Sounds like one big laugh fest to me. Don’t get me wrong folks. They have every right to speak. I just think you have to be out of your damn mind to attempt to do this in one of the most ethnically diverse cities in the world. While the event will probably be a bust, you guys can take comfort in the fact the you too will receive a special "Jacky". Your beautiful, gold statuette comes with a hood on it.

Congratulations to all of the recipients, and I’ll see you next week.


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