1999-09-04 / Sports

Artists Formerly Known As…

Dicko And Sideshow Take Softball Cuts

That’s right its the "The Artists Formerly Known As" reunited once again, and baby it feels so good. I believe it was Peaches and Herb who sang it so well. Dicko the clown and Fun Bobby have once again joined forces to bring you the best possible reading this side of Boyle-ing points, Dorothy Dunne, The G- Man, and of course the Waldheim report.

In JBSL news the Grassy point Muggers swept the Marina Mudsharks by the scores of 4-2, and 5-4, returning the championship to Broad Channel. There was no real threat from any Rockaway teams due to the forfeiture of perennial runner-ups The Publicans, and the retirement of the former two-time, two-time, two-time heavyweight champs, The Irish Circle Pirates,----bada-bing, bada-bam, bada-bang. You may love me, you may hate me, but you will never forget me!

New additions that helped the Muggers get that brass ring are former Mariners Tom Brasch, Mo Gonzalez, and Rob 'Crime Dog' Gallagher. In "B" division action the Rugby Roundballs upset the Brewers denying "TK" rings in both divisions. Also the Cardinals won a best of three against an ancient but always tough Healy's team clad in jeans

Now lets get it on! It has recently come to the attention of the AFKA that Ms. Tammy Catropa seems to have a real problem with members of the Superior Gender. Ms. Catropa finds it necessary to repeatedly bash men, using the services of the Internet. Tammy take it from us, we cannot help it that men were born with a much greater level of brain power than women. We don’t feel that your campaign of male-bashing has any place in today’s society, and we certainly won’t bring ourselves to your level and bash women, who we love so well. We can only offer this advice to you and your man-hating clan. There are dishes to be washed, floors to be scrubbed, potatoes to be peeled, and buttons to be sewn. Get to work, and stop wasting your time with those silly computers, you don’t really understand them anyway.

This week’s advice goes out
to the Handyman Jim Lynch: find out who's who before ordering your next drink, and you can now remove your foot from your big trap. In society news---local debutante Kelly Magill has been seen in the company of a Porsche driving lawyer-judge, who she claims to be dating. Well you know what they say---justice is blind. Missing in action, last seen on the back of a milk carton- Jen Crawley and Mo Gonzalez. A message to my favorite peanut man Jim
Balfe, who did not like his comparison to Sarah Jessica Parker. Just kidding, you’re much prettier than she. Cosmopolitans all around! Congratulations to skateboarding champ Torty Johnson whose glasses will be playing the part of coke bottles in an upcoming commercial, and will also be used in a new Superman remake giving him his x-ray vision.

In this week’s "Lookin for Love" section, the AFKA profiles Jim Cox aka The Great Leader. Jim is currently looking for a nice young girl in her late to early teens, with no sense of humor, and no formal education. Jim says he is willing to teach her all she needs to know, and nothing more. Here are Big Jim’s vitals: favorite food: sauerbraten; favorite drink----Jagermeister, favorite book- Mein Kampf; hobbies: ogling, groping and staring. Magazine of choice: Juggs; favorite hangout: any all girls high school; hidden talent: the ability to undress you with his eyes. Arrest record: none at press time-check blotter!

As Labor day weekend approaches, residents of Broad Channel are looking forward to another fun filled afternoon of colorful floats in their annual Mardi Gras parade. Among this year’s entries will be
the "Unemployment Float" the "We're Really Sorry Float", and the much anticipated "We didn’t know float." This year’s festivities will be covered by Court T.V. On the talking out of your rear scene "Dick Clark" look-alike Billy Setters sr. is offering anyone with no prior experience $400 per day cash to come to work with him. The work day consists of many beer and blackberry brandy break's, mandatory keno playing, and a full day of girl watching. Requirements are the ability to drink before 10:00 am, the patience to listen to Billy's stories, the only applicant so far is Dutch Green. Rockaway fashion expert Big Daddy Whispers has started his own business, Bar Ballroom Dance lessons, because as he could only put it "Who Knew I Could Move Like That?" Who? ---everybody-That’s Who! "Keep It Real!" At the other end of the spectrum, Black Star malt liquor salesman Sean McDonald who starts every day in a bodega has a wish to be tortured by Mexican bar-backs. Sean why must every day be "New Years Eve"?

Here is a new wrinkle "What’s up with that?"- Paulie the Porpoise slow dancing with the racing form sticking out of the back of his Rusty Staub outfit, wife Debbie showing up at the Irish Circle at 3 a.m. while the porpoise was sleeping it off on the beach. - Kevi-kev's Quadrozzi shirt, the newspaper found under the seat of Bert Friedman’s car filled with feces, Gator's hairdo, Gator’s personality, How bout just what’s up with Gator? Dutch Green’s quote that many have likened him to
Baywatch star David Hasselhoff, who by the way is also a music icon in Germany, then watching Dutch act like he is running on the beach, but it was all an act for everyone knows Dutch hates the sun-surf-and sand. Also what’s up with Dutch’s perfect meal, liverwurst on a hoagie with mustard and onions, and two cans of Beeferoni canned-pasta. What’s up with certain Broad Channel rules like the Angel pass, Tackle Basketball, Kenny the Rat's Bread and Butter play in Sony Play Station, Broad Channel-Hamilton Beach-and Roxbury are all the same place. What’s up with Billy Setter’s stealing my shoe polish for his hair touch-ups? Torty Johnson asking for free advertising on his guest bartending gig? John McCann failing to mention that the Fishead Volleyball Championship win was in Division 3? Artie Fitz not having a CDL for his oversized surfboard? The all male revue not inviting Goggin and Buster? The Pirate who didn’t even play this year still being the best team in JBSL? Tom Brasch getting snubbed by that scrub at Jets workouts? That idiot Mad Dog Russo bashing my Mets? What’s up with Monday Night Football offering WCW Monday Nitro money to switch to Tuesday nights? What’s up with Bubby Brister? Nothing! What’s up with Bubbie’s hair? Nothing!

Reasons to watch the US Open Tennis Championship: Anna Kourn-ikova, Maria Antonia Sanchez Lorenzo, Mary Pierce, Amanda Coetzer, Martina Hingis, Chanda Rubin, and Olga Barabanschikova. If
you don’t mind I'd like to say a little something about my wonderful trip to beautiful Vancouver B.C. Canada that is for all of the geography majors that I have recently come across, It is a 7 hour flight, not a seven and one half hour drive, not even in the Cadillac. We were fortunate enough to make some great friends in Shanna and Chris Bradford, no relation to the Bradfords of Broad Channel, whom we met in Puerto Vallarta in October on their honeymoon,
and no they are not swingers, unless they just don’t find us to their
liking. We would also like to thank some special people we met during our stay, Art and Joyce Ross, also known as Shanna's Mom and Dad, Sherry and Rob {Superman third) and their children Jordy, Kelly, and Katie, and Sherry's brother Kirk, and Shanna's sister Terry. Special people, special friends.

Here are some highlights that all may not understand, just bare with me-The Mr. Tube Steak Restaurant, a certain Suzuki Samurai named Bill who is held together by duck tape and aluminum foil, Kathie's kissing the bottom of the pool in
Whistler….the credit card competition-my first salmon dinner-forget about it---fugazy-freakin’ fabulous, Littering because I can I don’t live here, The Babblin Brook-also known as my girlfriend….the Beavis and Butthead impersonation, the Sasquatch siting. To all my friends in Coquitlam see ya soon and thanks. Can you smell what the Rock's got cooking?

On a serious note I would
like to send our condolences to the Nolan family and all of Mike's friends on the terrible loss of such a good person, brother, son, and friend to all that he came across. He was taken from us at far too young an age. I ask all to keep Mike and his family in your thoughts and prayers.

Signed, The Innovators of Comedy as you know it!

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